The Redefining

Well….happy January 9?? Where is the year going?!

Such a silly start to a blog, but so true.

I started the year with so much energy. Resolutions. Commitments.

I rapidly put away all Christmas decorations (which is a LOT at my house). Finished planning a mid-winter break vacation I am super excited about. Arranged childcare for the next few months.

Worked out the first four days of the work week last week.

Check, check, check.

And then….phew.

The holiday hangover hit me full speed. I love, love, love the holidays. I love making them special for people I love. I decorate the house. Buy all the gifts. Send the cards. Stuff the stockings. Plan the trips. Create the special occasions.

This year was extra as my husband turned 50 on December 20th. A wine tasting outing and two parties (including one at my house for 40 of our friends a few nights before Christmas) added fun….and more to my plate.

My daughter was home from college and it was AMAZING! I love, love, love every minute with her. And I feel this self-imposed pressure to soak up every minute with her. Ensure she has her favorite foods. And that her trip home is magical. She finally went back to college yesterday and her departure leaves a hole each time.

And….my excited kick-off to a new year of exercise came to a screeching halt. I am fully committed to running a marathon in April and I’ve been excited to officially kick off training, moving from half marathon shape to the full deal. Except my hamstring went on strike in the last week. Super tight, knotted muscles – I have no idea why. But it was so tight it would wake me up at night. So, I took several days off running and absent some yoga, have tried to rest. Boo. Not the January I envisioned.

Add some exhaustion, a stressful week back to work, a departing daughter and no work-outs and I was not refreshed, but….grumpy.

This week-end I tried to go back to basics. Organized some closets because it makes me calm and is the easiest sense of accomplishment. Practiced gratitude. Finished a good book. Appreciated time with those I love.

But really, it took seeing the photo above from my “last year at this time” memories. It reminded me that last year, I was quarantined in my bedroom. With COVID-19. I felt pretty terrible and was sad to miss the excitement of the first week of a new year. I tried to keep up with work remotely. And I watched a lot of Bridgerton.

So this year, I take a deep breath. Of course, I have so much to be grateful for. The hustle and bustle of life is so real – and can rob of us of our energy and joy if not careful. Add in frustration over an injury (which hopefully will heal fast) and just…discontent….that this year…did not start exactly as I wanted!

But, it’s OK. The year is long. We’re just getting started. And there are plenty of days to make the most of each one.

Well, hello old friend. It’s been a minute.

Or, nearly two years. But here we go. I have missed you.

So much has happened the last two years. An ongoing pandemic that seemed endless. A very slow easing into a new-ish normal of thoughtful caution and choosing to live, under the protection of vaccines and the understanding that COVID-19 wasn’t going away – instead, we have learned to live with it.

I ended up having COVID-19 twice (so far). Last January and last June. Last year at this time I was about to enter a 11 day quarantine – locked in my bedroom all alone. It was a tough start to the year. Because the virus had taken down two family members (but not my husband and youngest), we were determined that I would be the last to get it. And then it came back in June – this time, my husband and youngest went down first. I was the unlucky one to get it both times.

And yet, I was fortunate to have relatively light cases. And we were so grateful my youngest (who is immunocompromised) was hardly bothered. I remain grateful for vaccines, good medical care, and that our lives have – largely – returned to normal.

2022 ended up being what I will remember as a grinder year. My dad is still fighting bladder cancer (although doing well) and had emergency neck surgery, which was quite scary. He continues to be so strong and I was fortunate to visit him several times in 2022. The greatest gift.

My oldest daughter ended up at the University of Oregon (she is now a sophomore) and is really thriving. After a disrupted high school experience, it has been such a joy to see her killing it in college. My son is a senior in high school and was just accepted into Santa Clara University – his first choice. And, my youngest is in eighth grade. I have been so happy to see them all back to school, activities, and having friends in the mix.

I am still helping build the start-up health tech company I left Microsoft to join. I have taken on more responsibility, pushing myself outside my comfort zone and succeeding at times, failing at others. It’s been a first for me – I’m used to being excellent at work. But, learning new things, particularly at a rapid pace, is fraught with risk. I take heart in my strengths – an incredible work ethic, good leadership skills, and an ability to bring order to chaos. Most days are good and challenging – others are stressful and uncertain. But I’m grateful for the journey.

So, a lot has gone well. And I am reminded how fortunate I am.

But like for many, 2022 felt like a grinder. Stressful. Tiring. Lacking spark. I am so determined for 2023 to be different.

I’m ready to have more joy, less heaviness. As I see friends and family struggle with health challenges this year, I am reminded that health is the greatest gift. While I have mine, I want to make the most of it.

So, here we go 2023. Last year I neglected to make my resolutions, choose my word of the year, and other traditions I usually love. This year, I’m back at it. More to come on this. I have my resolutions – one of them is reviving this blog and returning to writing for myself. I have my word of the year. Stay tuned.

I’m ready for an amazing year. I think we all deserve it.

It is a snow day in Seattle. These don’t happen very often. So when they do, the world feels magical.

I woke up happy and refreshed. Grateful for a good/hard week, where I wrapped up a work project that had largely consumed my last month/s. I’m learning that being part of a lean – yet highly ambitious start-up – means you wear a lot of hats. In the last month, this has meant writing an entire website and editing an entire series of videos (check it out at Truveta.com!). I love the work, really, but it hasn’t left much room for my side creativity.

I also have felt stuck. Stuck in a pandemic. Stuck in a world that is making some progress (yay for vaccines!). But not fast enough.

This week brought some big developments. For the first time since the pandemic began 11 months ago, my son returned to physical school (with 25% of his classmates in a carefully architected ramp-up plan). He got to actually go to an actual basketball practice. Inside a gym. As a year-round player, the loss of his favorite sport has been hard. Teenage kids should be able to pursue their passions with freedom.

Importantly, I received my second dose of the Moderna vaccine – a critical step forward on the path to normalcy. My husband also received the vaccine, as did my oldest daughter, who is 18. I share this with trepidation. We are not the conventional recipients people expect to have been vaccinated. Yet, for our family, it is crucial to protect our youngest member – who is 13 and unable to get vaccinated (as none of the vaccines have been approved for those under 16).

This is a forgotten scenario in the distribution plan. Families with kids with significant special needs and health conditions with compromised immune systems (in our case, epilepsy, which causes seizures – at times uncontrollable absent hospitalization – during serious bouts of the flu). These kids not only can’t be vaccinated, many also can’t reliably and safely wear masks, wash their own hands, or do other basic self-protection methods. The best way to protect them right now is to protect those around them.

So, with high integrity, we classified ourselves as home health care aides (in fact, full time caregivers, along with our nanny). If any of us get COVID-19, there is no one available and trained to care for our youngest. If she gets COVID-19 and ends up hospitalized, we want to be healthy so we can go with her to the hospital. As a non-verbal child, she needs parents with her. And if we get COVID-19, we would put her at significant health risk.

I am so grateful for science. I am so grateful for vaccines. I am so grateful to be able to glimpse a path toward normal life.

And, I am so grateful my parents have also gotten their first dose of the vaccine (with their second dose on the horizon). I have not seen them in over a year – the longest absence, by far, in my entire life. During this year, my dad was diagnosed and is being treated for cancer. A heartbreaking chapter to be absent from. Because of our vaccinations, we will reunite in about a month when the inoculation has kicked in – and I simply cannot wait.

All of these developments have made it hard for me to know what to write. The reason? Judgment.

One of the saddest impacts of COVID-19 on our communities has been the overwhelming judgment it has brought. From every direction. Early on, our last President politicized a pandemic, which created an environment of judgment that persists today.

Are we doing enough to protect ourselves and our communities? Should we have the “freedom” to live however we want, with those at high-risk left to fend for themselves? Are we wearing masks appropriately? Are we traveling or gathering selfishly? How do we protect our kids from a pandemic while also supporting their mental health? What is the right balance for each family, knowing circumstances vary widely?

In our country, the guidance has varied widely from state to state. My current home state of Washington has been conservative, with sweeping shut-downs across schools, businesses, restaurants and essentially our entire society for the last 11 months. In my original home state of Missouri, it is a different world. Kids are going to school. Playing sports. People are frequently traveling to out-of-state sports activities. Families are congregating. Celebrating holidays together. Until recently at least, when the virus was getting out of control. If you pay attention to the data, you can see the dramatic difference in impact based on efforts to contain the virus. But clearly, many, many Americans aren’t paying attention to the data – or have decided living life as normal is worth the risk.

These discrepancies – and related fatigue with how very long this pandemic has lasted – have created harsh judgment. Within our nation. Within communities. Within extended families. Within nuclear families. This judgment adds to a sense of isolation and loneliness.

For me, it also has made it hard to write. Some of the most important developments in my life (I GET TO SEE MY PARENTS SOON!!) are clouded in fear of judgment.

But this morning, I have a different outlook. Life is awfully short to worry about judgment.

I hope we can all look forward with some grace for our nation, our communities, and those we love. None of us know the full details of particular circumstances. And we are all desperate for a return to normal.

At the same time, I hope we take smart precautions to help protect our communities and those we love. The risk is still high. And even with light on the horizon, we need to be diligent to save as many lives as we collectively can.

Well. Now that was not the first week of 2021 I had hoped for.

I knew it was going to be a crazy week. As most weeks back to work are when you have taken nearly two weeks off. And, I had two new employees starting – which is thrilling! – but requires time and effort to help them onboard into a fast-paced start-up.

But I started off Monday with vigorous energy. Nailed one resolution – get up early and make the most of my morning – by setting my alarm for 6:15am. I enjoyed a quiet cup of coffee and then did an hour long core power yoga work-out in my basement. I got ready for the day (properly – no ponytail! – even wore perfume to work from home) in plenty of time to help my daughter get ready for the day. All before my work day starts at 9am when my nanny arrives. Helloooo 2021!

I wrote a blog – about gratitude! Prepared dinner and nailed another resolution – no wine on a school night! I was killing 2021 on January 4.

And then the rest of the week happened. I had a few terrible nights of sleep so didn’t get up early as planned. But the real kicker was the pure madness that happened at the US Capitol on Wednesday, January 6. What in the ever-loving heck?

Supporters of President Donald Trump broke into the Capitol building and gained access to lawmakers’ offices and the Senate chamber, leaving damage and destruction in their wake.

Rather than condemn the rioters’ actions, Trump told them in a video that was later removed by Twitter: “We had an election that was stolen from us. It was a landslide election, and everyone knows it.”

This madness – led by a guy dressed like Chewbacca in a bikini and the Duck Dynasty crew, carrying Trump flags, left four people dead. For the first time in our country since 1812, the action was described as an “insurrection” – defined by the Oxford Languages dictionary as “a violent uprising against an authority or government” – spurred on by “sedition” – defined as “conduct or speech inciting people to rebel against the authority of a state or monarch.”

It was terrifyingly sad. Unbelievable that it was happening in our country. And not the 2021 most of us wanted. Add on record-setting deaths due to COVID-19 and….UGH.

So, those silly little New Year’s resolutions went out the window. I only got up early on Monday. Enjoyed a glass of wine at night the rest of the week. Only worked out three times.

This picture makes me laugh. It was from Wednesday night. I had asked my oldest daughter (who is 18) to be my accountability partner and remind me not to drink a glass of wine on weeknights. I brought this little number up to watch a show with her and she says, “MOM! You are breaking your resolution. And that is a healthy pour!”

She was right. And it was funny. I used it as a moment to tell her sometimes resolutions just need to break.

But alright. Can we say do-over? Happy New Year!

I’m starting 2021 over. I do not want this year to be defined by actions and circumstances I can’t control. So I’m reminded that it’s up to me to make the most of this year. Even when surrounded by sadness. Anxiety. Or utter madness in our country.

The best part about a new week is you get the opportunity to start a fresh page. There really isn’t anything magical about January 1. So this year, I’m celebrating January 10 as my fresh start.

I have nailed it so far. Good time with my family. An hour long yoga class. Lots of quiet time reading a good book (Three Women by Lisa Taddeo). Prepared a yummy bison chili for dinner, awaiting us in the Crock-Pot. Ready to relax and enjoy a new binge-worthy show on Amazon (The Wild’s).

Here’s to 2021 – may it only get better from here!

One of my friends asked an interesting question the other day, “What are you most grateful for in 2020?” For me, hands down, it was my dad’s cancer diagnosis.

This was one of the most important mind shifts for me in the last months. Amidst my sadness and concerns over my dad’s cancer diagnosis, I alternated between terrified (for his future) and angry (at the universe for letting him get sick and at Trump for making such a mess of COVID-19 in our country that it was not possible for me to see my dad without bringing more risk).

At the same time, I worried for my kids. They all started school for the fall – remote. They still haven’t attended school in person since March. My oldest is a senior in high school who should have been touring colleges and making memories of a lifetime. My son is a sophomore who should have been playing sports, enjoying his new driver’s license, and living his best life. My youngest should have been able to see kids, which brings her so much joy. I worried for them and the loss of a normal childhood.

Around the same time, I was also seriously considering a career shift – leaving Microsoft after 23 years to take a new role at a start-up. I was very excited about the opportunity, but also nervous. Microsoft had been so good to me – should I really leave? During a pandemic?? And with so much to juggle in my personal life? My husband’s job had largely stalled due to the pandemic and with both of us working from home, amidst remote school, life had never been more chaotic.

Also around the same time, I experienced the worst injury of my life. Now, I have had some good running injuries. In college, I had 13 stress fractures. Sometimes multiple fractures at a time. I had compartment syndrome surgery on both legs – at the same time, so I literally couldn’t walk due to multiple incisions on both legs. I grew massive with each of my three pregnancies because I have an incredibly small torso. At 5’1” and long legs, something had to give – turns out – it was my torso. I was carrying a third of my weight – largely in about 12 inches – with each kid. There are worse injuries, of course. But I had rallied through some pain in my life.

My injury this fall started off nagging – my cranky right leg, which I babied through training for three marathons in the past few years, did OK through the first months of COVID. I enjoyed long runs of 10-12 miles for no reason – other than to get out of the house and get fresh air. It started to get irritated this summer so I scaled back mileage, but was still able to clip along (even breaking 7:00 for a mile for the first time in….awhile). Then all of a sudden, my cranky leg began to be really cranky – with traveling pain from my IT band to my hamstring with chronic pain in my glute (i.e. piriformis, i.e. butt). It eventually got so bad my leg was largely numb and then…it hit my sciatica in my back. I had shooting nerve pain for almost a month – up and down my right side. I couldn’t sleep well without a pillow pyramid cushioning me. Standing hurt. Sitting hurt. Everything hurt. Forget any exercise – I was lucky to do a very slow stroll. When I needed exercise the most for my sanity, I could do…nothing.

So. Gratitude. There was a dearth of gratitude this fall.

Until I read something in a magazine that was a game changer. I honestly think it was O magazine (God bless Oprah) in the Thanksgiving issue. Someone said they were most grateful for their family member’s cancer diagnosis. At first, I was like, “WHAT? How??” – and then I read on. They said without the diagnosis, they wouldn’t have gotten treatment and eventually, the cancer would have killed them.

Mind shift. Immediately, I looked at the world differently. I should be grateful for my dad’s cancer diagnosis because it meant that with great treatment, he could live. I am grateful they caught his cancer early. I am grateful he is able to take treatment (just discovered in 2012 and still with limited supply) that has not been terribly hard on him. I am grateful he has my mom to keep him company. Yes, I am grateful.

And then, the mind shift transcended. I am grateful for extra time with my family this year. It is a precious year with my oldest and we have spent far more time together than we would have otherwise. I am grateful that we have stayed healthy and have had great childcare since September which helps us all juggle. I am grateful for technology that has let me stay in touch with those I love the most. I was so grateful when my back pain finally subsided (after deep massage treatments, chiropractic sessions, acupuncture and more). Going for slow walks, led to yoga, which has now led to Peloton biking. Still no running, but I am so grateful for movement. And, I am grateful that I had the courage to take a leap – and pursue a new career with passion – during this madness. So very much to be grateful for – including the non-obvious things like a cancer diagnosis. Yes, I am grateful.

Of course, I have still had some hard days. Including this holiday – the first in my 46 years without my family. But, I am grateful that I have had 45 great holidays with them – and next year is going to be a real humdinger of a celebration.

Michael J. Fox recently said in an interview, “If you can find gratitude, your sense of optimism is sustainable. Little bits of gratitude will feed your spirit.” This was after he had sustained a terrible back injury requiring surgery and broken his arm during the pandemic – on top of his battle with Parkinson’s.

I am an optimist. And I am grateful.

<<As I read this back, I want to acknoweldge I am so fortunate. So grateful for so much more than I articulate here. For nurses, physicians, researchers, Fauci, a new president, health, a lovely home, plenty of food, great books, an active mind, and so much more. But if COVID has taught us anything, its that we all should break down what matters most to protect ourselves and those we love. I really hope our country can rally in the coming months so we all can get back to normal.>>