Like many of you, I have been reading about the Taylor Swift incident with the Denver DJ with interest. And I’m so impressed with her courage to speak up, her commitment to her fans to set an example for standing up for what’s right, and her bravery on the stand. I love that she hasn’t let her accuser or his attorney turn her into the villain. She said it so well, “I am not going to allow your client to make me feel like it is any way my fault because it isn’t,” adding, “he and you are suing me and I’m being blamed for the unfortunate events of his life that are a product of his decisions, not mine.”
As the Huffington Post says so well today, “And for women and girls ― who are by virtue of their gender more likely to be sexually assaulted, groped or sexually harassed than their male peers ― it’s a powerful thing to hear one of the most famous women in the world stand in her truth and refuse to waver.”
I’ve thought a lot about this case because the behavior is so common. And it’s so important for our girls to know they shouldn’t stand for it. And for all of our children to know it is never OK to touch anyone – in an unwanted – or uninvited way. Add in the dynamics of a work setting – as in the Swift case – and it gets even more complicated.
When I think back on my own life, I have not managed these instances well. I’m inspired to write as a lesson to my daughter – and others that will be making their way through life. I have always considered myself a strong, confident, and outspoken person – if anyone should speak up in these instances, it should have been me. But I haven’t – and I so will moving forward. I share with you three examples.
On the Run
When I was younger, I was a very good runner. So good that I often trained with boys, working hard to match their pace and mileage. Many of these boys became my friends. Others – in hindsight – were perhaps annoyed by my presence. Or experimenting with immature flirting. And all of us were just trying to grow up and find our way. On many a long run – and by long run, I mean 12 or 14 milers, I would often become the butt of jokes, teasing, sexual innuendo, and the occasional butt slap. I never spoke up. I put my head down. Didn’t want to rock the boat. I wanted to keep my training partners. And didn’t want to indicate (in my mind) weakness in any way. Teasing – I could take it. I was tough. And capable of handling it.
Smokey and the Wilderness
I had perhaps one of the most ridiculous jobs of all time in college. I was working on my master’s degree in communication at the University of Missouri. I was young – 21 – and inexperienced in the workplace given my focus on collegiate sports during my undergraduate years. So, when I saw the opportunity to work on a communications project for the Missouri Department of Conservation, I jumped on it and applied. I was so excited to get the job, which was – I kid you not – 100% focused on planning Smokey the Bear’s 100th Birthday Celebration for the State of Missouri. I worked hard on developing a plan worthy of Smokey and along the way, noticed my boss was very friendly to me. At times it made me uncomfortable, but again, I didn’t want to rock the boat or presume something inappropriate that perhaps was innocent. He was married after all and old enough to be my father. Eventually, he asked me to join him on a tour of Missouri Department of Conservation offices across the state. There really was no reason for me to join and my radar went off. But, I didn’t want to disappoint him and say no. He was my boss, after all. So I went. And sat next to him in the front of his small truck for two solid, uncomfortably awkward days, visiting offices in the middle of nowhere – for no reason. At the hotel that night after we checked in (separate rooms – I knew that much!), he came up behind me and started deeply massaging my shoulders. I tensed up and didn’t say anything – at first. Then, he invited me to his room to “hang out.” I said something about my boyfriend not liking it and quickly locked myself in my room. The next day was even more awkward and I made sure to keep an arms-length distance at all times until the job ended when I graduated. But again, I didn’t speak up. I didn’t tell anyone. I put it behind me – assumed me it was likely common in the workplace and as long as nothing “really bad” happened, I should just move on.
Lessons from Times Square
Fast forward 20 years. I would describe myself as a strong, confident woman who works daily with powerful men, unafraid to speak up and share my opinion. But. Recently I was standing in Times Square with my two oldest kids on their spring break. It was their first time in Times Square together and we were making memories. Their father had just been pulled into a street show and we were laughing and cheering. All of a sudden – a la Taylor Swift – I feel someone grab a firm hold on my butt cheek and squeeze tightly. Like Taylor, I was stunned and shocked – paralyzed for a moment. I quickly tried to assess if it was an accidental brush-up, but quickly decided, no, someone just really grabbed my ass. Which took some work as I was wearing baggy boyfriend jeans with a long sweater. I whirled around and made eye contact with my grabber. I gave him a death glare and quickly considered what to do. I didn’t speak up. I didn’t want to destroy a memory for my kids or freak them out, or see their father try to defend my honor against the grabber. So I said nothing. I kept a close eye on my immediate circle, particularly around my teenage daughter, while we waited for my husband’s role in the show to end. And then, a few minutes later, I hear a young (to me) woman – probably early 20’s – remark to her friend that the grabber had done the same thing to her. I felt SO guilty – I didn’t speak up – and the man kept going. Such a violation of personal space and security. And SO wrong.
So to the ladies – please learn from Taylor Swift. If something feels inappropriate or wrong, it likely is. Don’t give people the benefit of the doubt, doubt yourself, or what may happen if you speak up. Speak up. Look the person in the eye and say “You need to stop. Now.” And if the person doesn’t – and even if they do – feel free to speak up to an authority. Unwanted touching can happen anywhere – running on dirt roads, on a dance floor, in the school hallway, or at the workplace. And it is never OK.
And to the fella’s – or all of us, really – never initiate an unwanted touch. You are better than that. And the person you are touching is definitely better than that. Even if you are teasing or flirting or they don’t respond, it is simply NOT OK.
Cheers to Taylor Swift and her bravery. She has created an important learning moment for many, including me. And here’s to respectful treatment for all.
The Redefining 
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