4 Things I Learned from Brene’ Brown Today

Today I had a serious fangirl opportunity. One of my favorite authors, Brene’ Brown, was on campus as part of a speaker series. It’s a really cool benefit Microsoft offers – and one, honestly, I rarely take advantage of because I’m…ahem…too busy.

But today I decided to invest in learning. And take an hour to see Brene’ and hear her message. If you aren’t familiar with Brene’, she is the author of four best-selling books: The Gifts of Imperfection, Daring Greatly, Rising Strong, and Braving the Wilderness. She is most known for her TED talk, “The Power of Vulnerability”, which is one of the most popular TED talks of all time. She is a sassy Texan and a hilarious storyteller.

I was a bit late to the Brene’ fan zone. I had heard about her TED talk, but hadn’t watched it. A few years ago, in a moment of coaching at work, I was told to “be more vulnerable.” I’ll admit my first reaction was “would you ever say that to a man??” I was offended and thought surely there was better career advice.

I was wrong. It was great advice. I just didn’t understand the concept.

I finally learned about the power of vulnerability – and empathy – which is one of the cultural cornerstones of our company’s culture.

So today was special. I had to share just a bit of Brene’ with you. Here are the top 4 things I learned from Brene’ (live and in person!) today:

You be You
This is a big one. Brene’ talks a lot about the importance of belonging, establishing an authentic connection to people – and ultimately, staying true to yourself. It’s human nature to want to fit in and belong. The important part of her message is that you can’t have a real connection with people if you change who you are.

She shares that “fitting in” occurs when I want to be with you. Real “belonging” is when you want me to be with you. It turns out fitting in is the opposite of belonging. Instead, start off being your own squad.

True belonging is believing in something so deeply that you have the courage to stand alone and belong to yourself. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are, it requires you to be who you are.

As parents, we can teach our kids to belong – in their glorious uniqueness, not fit in. At work or in our communities, we can create a belonging culture by understanding the unique value and perspective each person brings.

Speak Up
Brene’ talks a lot about stories. How we all create stories to define our lives. Sometimes our stories are relatively accurate. Sometimes they are sugarcoated memories. Sometimes they are melodramatic. Ultimately, the stories are ours – and they matter because a lifetime of memories is really just a bunch of stories knitted together.

Neurologically, she explains that our brains are hardwired for survival. In absence of real data, your brain will make up explanations and justifications – and self-created stories can become real. Since the brain rewards you chemically for producing stories, there is a special kick or calm you feel when you make the world make sense.

The real lesson here is not to leave people to make up their own stories. Silence can breed stories and silence can be damning. It’s so important to not leave words unsaid.

She shared a great story of not getting chosen for a high school team – it was a crushing moment. And her parents said nothing. Largely because they didn’t know what to say and didn’t want to make a big deal of her disappointment. They were probably well intended. But, to her, she felt their silence indicated crushing disappointment and she wasn’t even worth a conversation.

My take-away – don’t leave people to wonder about their own self-worth. Make sure they know exactly how you feel. And work to create cultures where people feel safe and their best stories become true.

Don’t Engineer Smallness
This was powerful. In our efforts to protect our self and out of concern for how others perceive us, it is oh so easy to stay in the comfort zone. To not take a risk. To not speak up.

I found it fascinating that she didn’t know her ultimately hugely successful TED talk was even being recorded. If she had, she may not have had the courage to put herself out there.

In her words, she had such a fear of judgement that she had engineered smallness. Safe in her world as a college professor. With no idea of the impact she could have on the world.

Once the talk went viral, she was mortified by the sentiment of some of the comments on her online TED video. As she described, online comments in their anonymity bring out the “chicken shit cesspool of humanity.” At first, she wanted to take the video down.

But then she saw the other side of speaking up. Not shying away from the big stage. And here she is now – inspiring people all over the world.

The lesson is to not engineer smallness. Do not shy away from the impact you can have on the world. 

Have Courage and Be Vulnerable
Courage and vulnerability are really the cornerstone topics of her message. There is a choice we all make between courage and comfort. And its up to us to make the choice.

She shared that she has never met someone brave who has not had failure. Ultimately, you have to have the courage to fail. As she says, “you gotta be willing to get your ass kicked.” And, “Courage is contagious. Every time we choose courage, we make everyone around us a little better and the world a little braver.”

Vulnerability is about showing up and being seen when you can’t control the outcome. It takes courage to be vulnerable. And it’s a high bar. Because most of us were raised to be brave, but not vulnerable.

They are inter-related. Brene’ says “Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.”

Ultimately, it’s encouragement to have the courage to pursue your best life – and being vulnerable enough – powerfully so – to pursue your best life as your most authentic self.

She references Teddy Roosevelt’s famous “Into the Arena” speech. I’m sure I’ve heard it before, but wow, is it incredible.

So powerful. So here’s to going into the arena. And daring to fail greatly. But having the courage to do it as our most authentic self.