#metoo

This week has brought yet another cultural moment that has made me pause and think. And think and think. It started with the sad saga of Harvey Weinstein, the Hollywood producer who was exposed as a serial sexual harasser/abuser via a New York Times article. As more and more famous celebrities shared their stories of harassment at the hands of Weinstein, including Gwyneth Paltrow and Angelina Jolie, the world was shocked that even seemingly talented and powerful actresses were left at the mercy of a producer that made – and destroyed – careers of many Oscar winners. Weinstein himself has won over 80 Oscars and his perceived power and influence in Hollywood was apparently legendary – so legendary that Tinsel Town kept his secret for over three decades.

As I read more and more about the story, all I could think at first was “ewwww.” I met Weinstein a few times at various work functions – and I thought “ewwww” then too. He is the type of man who looks you up and down – slowly – and then looks you in the eye with a seeming invitation. The irony is he is far from conventionally handsome and I thought he reeked of sleaziness. I was right. The thought of him offering massages, meeting talented artists for meetings in his bathrobe, and far, far worse makes my skin crawl.

Then it got more interesting. The actress Alyssa Milano started a hashtag movement #metoo – encouraging women to share their stories of sexual harassment and abuse to raise awareness of how prevalent it is. The impact was incredible – so many women, so many stories – literally hundreds of thousands. Including famous people. Including everyday people. Including people I love.

I had shared my own #metoo stories a few months ago when the Taylor Swift groping incident was in the news. My experiences – more than I have written about – are mild compared to most. But each one leaves a mark. And it breaks my heart to hear from so many women and knowing their lives have been forever changed from their own stories.

I also found it encouraging – and heartwarming – how many amazing men on my social feeds acknowledged they had no idea. They were shocked and saddened at the prevalence. And they wanted to help it stop.

I think it is great this conversation is at the forefront. In certain industries, certainly, and potentially in any workplace, running trail, school cafeteria, dance club and more, the prevalence is real. It is so good to reinforce this behavior is unacceptable. And should not be tolerated in any way.

For me, it brought back more memories. Of seeing a man masturbate on a running trail. Of avoiding rape (twice) on other running trails due to luck and good fortune (on my chosen routes in two different cities, women were attacked at the exact time of day I would typically be on the trail. I will be forever grateful it wasn’t me). Of being groped on dance floors. Of being asked to dance with a male executive early in my career because he “liked pretty girls.”

But mostly I am grateful. I don’t have near the memories of many women. And I feel incredibly fortunate that I have typically had great friends – male and female – who have helped protect me and supported me. Stepped in and told an unwanted guy to back off. Promoted me at work on the basis of my skills.

One thing I don’t like is the almost anti-male tone of some of the rhetoric I see. While certainly we can all probably do better, creating “us” vs “them”, or “female” vs “male” won’t improve things. Understanding, awareness and communication can. And celebrating the men and women who want the world to be a safe and respectful place.

Another thing I don’t think has been addressed – and I am playing with serious fire here, I realize – is the role of women in this. As we’re seeing from this movement, we women also have to be brave enough to speak up. We need to support each other. And we need to be allies, not competitors, in the workplace.

An interesting dynamic I have faced – along with many strong women I know – is that fellow women can actually be your toughest adversaries at work. In my experience, I’ve had female colleagues start rumors about me, suggest promotions were perhaps due to more than my expertise, said my influence was driven by being “liked” by executives – who yes, statistically – are male. I find this so incredibly offensive and so against what I believe. We need a serious girl code that is respected and doesn’t seek to tear others down on their way up.

This extends to management too. Earlier in my career, I was coached extensively by more senior female leaders to not be too pretty. Cut my hair. Dress uber professional, even in a casual workplace. Perhaps I should wear glasses. That my appearance could work against me because people wouldn’t take me seriously.

So for several years early in my career, I had a not-so-cute mom bob. I wore khaki pants and button up shirts to avoid sending off any potential signals. I was a serious professional.

Then, after marriage and a few kids, I decided, all done with that. It helped to have several years of professional success under my belt. Earned – by my capabilities, not my khaki pants. The workplace – it turns out – could handle my long blond hair. A normal wardrobe. A smile here and a joke there. Being human and embracing strengths is really good career advice.

The irony is that the advice from these seasoned females made me feel far more objectified than anything a man has ever said to me in the workplace. This was many years ago but I don’t doubt young women are still receiving similar advice.

My take from the #metoo movement is relatively simple. There are a lot of women who have had tragic, unfortunate events happen to them. Yet, so many are strong and thriving. Hopefully their voices will bring awareness and a sense of responsibility to appropriate behavior.

I also hope we don’t lose sight of the goodness in the world. For young women following the movement, I hope they can also learn that there are many, many good men in the world. That the workplace, or the running trail, or wherever, can be safe – and fun – and amazing.