Recently identity has been on my mind. Perhaps the most existential question – who am I?
I’ve had a few friends make major life transitions recently. And others considering big moves. It’s interesting to me how many of us identify ourselves by what we do.
I’m a mom. I am a wife. I work at Microsoft. In many ways, it’s a great thing. You must love what you do on some level for your home or work to pop to the top of your life identity.
But if we dig deeper, there is more.
My dad taught me this when I was 20. I was a junior in college. I had a storied running career in high school and had a full running scholarship to the college of my choice (which I chose solely for their top-notch running program). My roommates were runners. My best friends were runners. The guys I dated were runners. I was surrounded by….running. This would have worked out perfectly if my storied high school career had continued.
But it didn’t. I was constantly injured and after my 13th stress fracture and following a double leg surgery that had me largely bed ridden for a week, I was done.
My parents were my biggest cheerleaders. They applied zero pressure yet somehow were omnipresent in their support. So, when I was home on a visit and broke down in tears (very uncharacteristic of me) with frustration, I was expecting open arms and words of encouragement. Instead, the conversation went something like this:
Me: “I’m miserable. I’m surrounded by people doing what I want more than anything in the world and I can’t do it anymore. I feel like a loser.”
Rather than console me, it’s one of the few times I can remember my dad getting angry.
Dad: “Lisa, never, ever say that. You are not a loser. What you do, is not who you are. So be who you are. And don’t confuse dreams and achievement with who you are and what you are made of.”
I remember it clearly to this day. It was such a powerful moment. And exactly what I needed.
It spurred me into action. I joined a sorority to broaden my friend group, even moving into my sorority house for my last semester of school. Super uncommon, but I kind of did college backward. I officially quit running (until I took another scholarship for grad school, but that’s another story) and turned my attention to preparing for my career in communications. I wrote a 120 page thesis so I could graduate early. And I still had a lot of fun with my old crew and new friends.
But the lesson has been lifelong. When I consider who I am, what is my identity, it is not what I do. It is not me as a mom. Or a wife. Or a daughter. Or sister. It is not my 20 year career at Microsoft. All of these matter so very much to me.
But, they are not what makes me me. Identity is really your soul. And who you are at your core. Defined by traits that are ingrained in who you are. When I think about what defines my identity I think of a few things. Positive energy. Optimism. Creator. Writer. Curious learner. Someone who likes big challenges and takes great satisfaction in pushing to achieve big goals. Hard worker. Likes to lead. With a ridiculous sense of humor and love of fun.
There’s more to me, of course. But when I think back on my life these are enduring traits that define me – regardless of life stage.
So an interesting exercise is, what if we chose what to do, by working back from who we are?
Coincidentally, I had started writing this blog in my head earlier today and wrapped my day with a meeting where I was asked what I like to do most. Interestingly, many of the same themes I identify above emerged.
What a gift it is if you can fill your day with things that reinforce who you are. And if our days are not filled with things that help us be the best – and most happiest – we can be – why not?
The Redefining 
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