Perfection

Hello 2019….another new year. Each one, a gift. 

A resolution (more on those soon!) is to commit to writing. This blog, in a journal, for work, wherever my heart, soul and mind lead me.

I have taken time off from writing this blog, initially because I was consumed with my house remodel and all of the design research and decisions that led to the creation of my dream home. Then, after moving into our new house in October, I thought I would pick it back up with renewed energy. Excitement! And so much to say.

But, then. Wow, is moving exhausting. They aren’t kidding when they say moving is one of life’s most stressful events. And this move, our final move, needed to be perfect. Perfectly stress-free for my kids, perfectly organized so no clutter seeped back in, with a perfectly beautiful home – as I had dreamed about for months, or years really. We had a rental house to move, an entire garage of boxes and furniture that had been stored to unload, and a storage unit of yet more boxes – all of which had not been unpacked for the last two years of moving. But mission accomplished! I love my new home. More on this soon too, promise.

So finally the house was unpacked and largely set up. Including a writing room I designed with just this very activity in mind. I sit here now as I type. Inspiring, right? Nope. 

Then I needed to travel to New York to run the New York City marathon – my first! And an incredible experience. But the race didn’t go according to plan, so then I needed to run the Seattle Marathon a few weeks later. I was physically tired yet motivated to hit my goal after committed training. Mission accomplished! Now, that must be inspirational, right? Nope.

And then, I got sucked into the Christmas season. You know how it goes. You promise this will be the year you will be ahead of the game. You will enjoy the season and not become overwhelmed. But, then. You want your new home to be perfectly decorated for its first Christmas. This requires some new decorations, stockings, and of course…yard decorations? Yes. And the gift buying. With three kids, we have traditionally spoiled them at Christmas. I make lists, I buy the perfect wish list items and surprises, and try to keep it even Steven. So much list making, thinking, and shopping. I love it, but whew. And then you want the perfect holiday card picture. And then those cards (150!) need to be designed, ordered, and addressed. And then you get ready for the guests. We had about two weeks of guests, three formal dinners, and multiple Christmas celebrations. With the people I love the most in this entire universe, but whew. The self-imposed pressure of each of these celebrations being perfect is tiring. And I did not stop to be inspired this year.

So here we are. Now I have a clean conscious to explain the silence and renewed focus. You see, the challenge all along hasn’t really been the remodel. Or the marathons. Or the holiday planning. Or the three kids or full-time job. Nope. 

The problem has been within me. A fear of perfection that created a paralyzing writer’s block. I’ve been exploring this theme for a few months and I recognize it so often now in how I approach life. It hit me on the head last night as I was reading my latest favorite book, Playing Big, by Tara Mohr. She writes about a similar struggle. How she took a seven year sabbatical from writing because of her insecurities. Because she didn’t know if she had anything interesting to say. That was different enough from all of the other writing out there. And this insecurity froze her. Until she realized, “if you want to write, you’ve got to let go of what other people will think. You’ve got to give up on the ‘love me, praise me’ thing. You are going to have to do this in a different way than you’ve written in a very long time. You are going to have to write for you – for your joy, for your pleasure, for your self-expression, not for anyone else’s approval.” And then she said, she took back the authority of her work.

So powerful. For me, insecurity plays a role. But more so, when I analyze the writers I adore, there is a profound honesty and vulnerability that they share. This takes real courage. And I have to imagine, really understanding families and friends. Someday, I would love to find a voice that can be that real. But with teenage kids, a husband, a career and a community, some topics in my world just require safety nets and guardrails. This also froze me, because is the exercise worthwhile if you self-edit? 

You can see why I haven’t written in awhile:) But now, my fingers are flying across my keyboard. I’m simultaneously thinking of other topics I want to write about. I know I do have worthwhile stories to write. So this I will do. This year I will write regularly. I will try very, very hard to let perfectionism go. Instead, I will embrace creativity for its precious sake. And some days, maybe something beautiful will be shared. Other days, maybe not, but I will likely learn the most from these harder days. And I will be trying and growing. 

THIS IS SO FUN! I look forward to lots more blogs in 2019. And to share with my friends who ask if I’m still writing, I will keep an updated Facebook page (The Redefining) and Instagram feed, so I don’t have to spam my other personal accounts with post updates. I look forward to experimenting with social content, which I’ve done for years for work – now it’s my turn. I hope you’ll follow along.