Not Guilty

Today I am on a flight to Las Vegas. VEGAS BABY!!!

Truthfully, I’m not a huge Vegas fan. I don’t gamble. I’m a little old to be getting down in the club. Although I still love to tear it up.

But you know what I do love?

Recharging.

Girl time.

And I’m gleefully excited to have both on the horizon!

I’m meeting my mom and my two sisters for a long girl’s week-end. In what I hope is becoming an annual tradition, we’re meeting each spring – somewhere sunny – to relax and enjoy each other.

I’m ever so lucky, because these are my favorite women in the world. They know me better than most people on this earth and we can talk about anything. We laugh, share old stories, shop, eat and drink, and have a grand old time. Making memories with people I love is one of my most favorite things.

Before girl’s weekend kicks off, I have two days of work commitments. These commitments also involve doing what I love – storytelling, speech coaching, strategizing – with people who I have worked with for many years.

All in, I will be gone from home for six days. SIX DAYS!! By myself. With no immediate family.

How do you feel when you read that?

“Lucky you!”….. “Your husband must be a saint for running the show without you.”…. “I can’t imagine leaving my family/traveling for that long. I would miss my kids too much/my husband wouldn’t survive/etc.”….. “Why aren’t you going to Paris?”

So many degrees of reaction – I’ve heard them all.

I’ve been a mom for 16 years and not just a working mom, but a career-oriented professional, the entire time. Without a doubt, being a great mom is my top priority. I love my kids more than anything else on the planet.

But I also love to work. I really, really love to use my brain. Learn new things. Feel like I am accomplishing things professionally. It is a part of who I am, at my core. Always has been. It’s the same girl that wanted straight A’s, to win a debate, to be student of the month, and to be an All-American athlete. I still want these things.

For years, I would downplay my ambition and intelligence because most of my children’s world was made up of mom’s who worked in the home. These mom’s were – and are – some of my best friends. I admire their commitment, selflessness, and the joy they receive from their children. I appreciate their carpooling, fundraising, and making our community that much better. Most of the men I worked with had wives that stayed at home. And most of the women I worked with didn’t have children of their own yet. None of these amazing people asked me to downplay my professional aspirations or love of work, but I somehow felt that I should.
(this is totally on me, not them of course).

Would the world agree it is possible to be a great mom AND unabashedly love my job?

These dynamics have all changed over the years, but many times I have been asked “Why do you work?” Over time, I have gotten more comfortable with answering honestly, “Because I love it.”

And I have always felt that I could be a great mom and have a career. Were there trade-offs? Absolutely. Does it require a circus balancing act and tremendous juggling? Definitely. Did I need a lot of help? For sure. For many years, did I put myself last on the totem pole of joy? Hell yes.

But here is the most refreshing thing I have learned. It was possible. I have great kids. They feel loved and they know they matter in this world. They have big hearts and are great friends. They have access to education and activities and social awesomeness. While there were many years when they would ask me to be a “home mom”, I also would see their pride when they talked about my job with their friends.

I have never been ashamed of my career with them. Instead, I’ve framed it positively as an opportunity for me to contribute to our world, help support our family and present them with unlimited opportunities, and for me to continue to use my brain and do what I love. BUT I LOVE THEM MORE THAN ANYTHING!!

Now that they are older, leaving home is easy. I’ll admit I am still a little scarred by a few departures for work trips that were marred with tears and “Don’t go!” demands. But now, they have their own lives and that little girl that used to beg me to stay home now just asks me to Uber to the airport so she can drive my car while I’m gone. It is SO refreshing to not feel guilty – not the least little bit – about prioritizing myself for a few days. I am so worth it. And they are all so capable of making it just fine without me. We’ll miss each other, sure. And I will give them extra huge hugs when I return.

For now, I’m relishing my alone time on this plane. I’m excited about the extra big suitcase I packed (and checked due to size!) to ensure I have as many wardrobe options as I’ll want. I’m thinking about which spa treatments I might schedule. I’m looking forward to checking out the pools at the hotel. No guilt. Nada.

Am I grateful for my husband holding down the fort while I’m gone? Sure! Just as he was grateful when I held down the fort for his recent 8 day trip to Ireland. Or his upcoming long golf week-end with his friends. I won’t make him feel guilty for a second. And I expect the same in return. Both from my family and the universe at large.

You see, mommy guilt can be the real deal. It’s a heavy burden and suppresses the amazing mom you likely are and makes you feel guilty about embracing the other talents and passions in your life. The challenge is no one wins.

I believe no one’s entire value should be based on roles we play for other people. If we are always living only for others, we risk forgetting what makes us innately happy – on our own terms. It has taken me years to confidently say – unapologetically  – I want more in my life. I love being a mom, yes. But I also love learning new things, accomplishing big wins professionally, running marathons, girl time, and wearing cute clothes. Whatever makes you happy – I hope you are able to do it guilt free with support from those you love the most.