Selfish

Today I was having a meeting with someone at work, describing how I was approaching a specific project. It’s an important one and I really value this person’s feedback.

After I described the current status, he shared something like, “I see you are taking a very thoughtful approach here, considering your stakeholder’s mindset. I’ve seen you do this frequently.”

Honestly, I was getting ready to say something like, “thank you!” Thoughtful is good, right?

And then he said, “You should do less of this. Sometimes you need to think less and be more selfish.”

Wow. Mind blowing feedback. And really valuable.

In this case, his feedback was along the lines of, “Why aren’t you going for it now? What are you waiting for? You are smart and capable. You should be more confident and go for it. Quit waiting for the perfect moment or anticipating the thoughtful approach for the other person. Sometimes you just need to do what is best for you.”

Over-thinking. An over-riding concern for others. A desire to be likable. An unselfish approach to balancing work and home. Ahhhh….if I could sum up the biggest blockers to my career growth the list would include these at the top.

Now these aren’t necessarily bad things. But if not careful, women in particular, can let these good human traits really slow down professional growth.

It’s not necessarily because we are inherently good people. In many ways this is how we were conditioned from our earliest days – to be good girls, to not rock the boat, to be considerate of others.

I’ve written about the challenges of <not> getting Student of the Month as a child because I was too talkative. As a high school student, I remember actively downplaying my intelligence because as a star athlete, it would be unpopular to be good at too many things. Seriously. And then, when you think you should have outgrown social conditioning, after two decades at my company a respected leader told me I should show more vulnerability to be more….. likable. Vulnerability is a big movement amongst the leadership set – I could handle the advice to be more empathetic, supportive, or relatable – but likable? When did work become a popularity contest?

Another beloved mentor gave me advice I preferred. It’s not your job to be nice, it’s your job to be great.

This is advice I can stand behind. By nature, I am a friendly, nice, and outgoing person. I’ve also been called a bulldog (with an unaffectionate tone, I’m afraid). This dichotomy (be great – not nice; be more selfish – but a good leader and generous teammate; be more vulnerable – but not a push-over) makes it challenging to know how to show up.

Do men even have to think about this stuff? I don’t think nearly as much as women.

Probably because I am a good girl, A+ striver, and over-thinker, I really internalize feedback. Sometimes this is helpful, sometimes it is not.

In this case, I took the push and did the selfish thing. I am going for it.

But not without some thought. And writing this blog:)

I was reminded of one of my favorite passages from Glennon Doyle’s recent book, Untamed. Mind-blowing stuff. If you, too, are a good girl who has passion and goals – this should be required reading.

The passage talks about a woman who passes on a life goal, because she is too busy supporting her kids and her husband. She didn’t want to seem….wait for it…selfish. Glennon asks,

“Why do women find it honorable to dismiss themselves? Why do we decide that denying our longing is the responsible thing to do? Why do we believe that what will thrill and fulfull us will hurt our people? Why do we mistrust ourselves so completely?”

She talks about the conditioning of girls and how “When we are little girls, our families, teachers, and peers insist that our loud voices, bold opinions, and strong feelings are “too much” and unladylike, so we learn to not trust our personalities.” Reading my own words above and the well-intended, but conflicting advice from beloved mentors – no wonder we question ourselves.

Ultimately, “We do not honor our own bodies, curiosity, hunger, judgment, experience, or ambition. Instead, we lock away our true selves. Women who are best at this disappearing act earn the highest praise: She is so selfless.”

And the money question….”Can you imagine? The epitome of womanhood is to lose one’s self completely.”

She goes on to encourage us to quit fearing and start trusting ourselves. And to not be afraid to disappoint everyone before we disappoint ourselves.

It’s a scary concept, but what if we don’t have to be selfless? What if it’s ok to be selfish – or even self first – on occasion? What if the world didn’t end? Our families and friends recognized our gifts, not our martyrdom. Our workplaces knew exactly what we want and what we deserve. Why? Because we speak up. And we embrace our full self.

Sign me up.