One of my friends asked an interesting question the other day, “What are you most grateful for in 2020?” For me, hands down, it was my dad’s cancer diagnosis.
This was one of the most important mind shifts for me in the last months. Amidst my sadness and concerns over my dad’s cancer diagnosis, I alternated between terrified (for his future) and angry (at the universe for letting him get sick and at Trump for making such a mess of COVID-19 in our country that it was not possible for me to see my dad without bringing more risk).
At the same time, I worried for my kids. They all started school for the fall – remote. They still haven’t attended school in person since March. My oldest is a senior in high school who should have been touring colleges and making memories of a lifetime. My son is a sophomore who should have been playing sports, enjoying his new driver’s license, and living his best life. My youngest should have been able to see kids, which brings her so much joy. I worried for them and the loss of a normal childhood.
Around the same time, I was also seriously considering a career shift – leaving Microsoft after 23 years to take a new role at a start-up. I was very excited about the opportunity, but also nervous. Microsoft had been so good to me – should I really leave? During a pandemic?? And with so much to juggle in my personal life? My husband’s job had largely stalled due to the pandemic and with both of us working from home, amidst remote school, life had never been more chaotic.
Also around the same time, I experienced the worst injury of my life. Now, I have had some good running injuries. In college, I had 13 stress fractures. Sometimes multiple fractures at a time. I had compartment syndrome surgery on both legs – at the same time, so I literally couldn’t walk due to multiple incisions on both legs. I grew massive with each of my three pregnancies because I have an incredibly small torso. At 5’1” and long legs, something had to give – turns out – it was my torso. I was carrying a third of my weight – largely in about 12 inches – with each kid. There are worse injuries, of course. But I had rallied through some pain in my life.
My injury this fall started off nagging – my cranky right leg, which I babied through training for three marathons in the past few years, did OK through the first months of COVID. I enjoyed long runs of 10-12 miles for no reason – other than to get out of the house and get fresh air. It started to get irritated this summer so I scaled back mileage, but was still able to clip along (even breaking 7:00 for a mile for the first time in….awhile). Then all of a sudden, my cranky leg began to be really cranky – with traveling pain from my IT band to my hamstring with chronic pain in my glute (i.e. piriformis, i.e. butt). It eventually got so bad my leg was largely numb and then…it hit my sciatica in my back. I had shooting nerve pain for almost a month – up and down my right side. I couldn’t sleep well without a pillow pyramid cushioning me. Standing hurt. Sitting hurt. Everything hurt. Forget any exercise – I was lucky to do a very slow stroll. When I needed exercise the most for my sanity, I could do…nothing.
So. Gratitude. There was a dearth of gratitude this fall.
Until I read something in a magazine that was a game changer. I honestly think it was O magazine (God bless Oprah) in the Thanksgiving issue. Someone said they were most grateful for their family member’s cancer diagnosis. At first, I was like, “WHAT? How??” – and then I read on. They said without the diagnosis, they wouldn’t have gotten treatment and eventually, the cancer would have killed them.
Mind shift. Immediately, I looked at the world differently. I should be grateful for my dad’s cancer diagnosis because it meant that with great treatment, he could live. I am grateful they caught his cancer early. I am grateful he is able to take treatment (just discovered in 2012 and still with limited supply) that has not been terribly hard on him. I am grateful he has my mom to keep him company. Yes, I am grateful.
And then, the mind shift transcended. I am grateful for extra time with my family this year. It is a precious year with my oldest and we have spent far more time together than we would have otherwise. I am grateful that we have stayed healthy and have had great childcare since September which helps us all juggle. I am grateful for technology that has let me stay in touch with those I love the most. I was so grateful when my back pain finally subsided (after deep massage treatments, chiropractic sessions, acupuncture and more). Going for slow walks, led to yoga, which has now led to Peloton biking. Still no running, but I am so grateful for movement. And, I am grateful that I had the courage to take a leap – and pursue a new career with passion – during this madness. So very much to be grateful for – including the non-obvious things like a cancer diagnosis. Yes, I am grateful.
Of course, I have still had some hard days. Including this holiday – the first in my 46 years without my family. But, I am grateful that I have had 45 great holidays with them – and next year is going to be a real humdinger of a celebration.
Michael J. Fox recently said in an interview, “If you can find gratitude, your sense of optimism is sustainable. Little bits of gratitude will feed your spirit.” This was after he had sustained a terrible back injury requiring surgery and broken his arm during the pandemic – on top of his battle with Parkinson’s.
I am an optimist. And I am grateful.
<<As I read this back, I want to acknoweldge I am so fortunate. So grateful for so much more than I articulate here. For nurses, physicians, researchers, Fauci, a new president, health, a lovely home, plenty of food, great books, an active mind, and so much more. But if COVID has taught us anything, its that we all should break down what matters most to protect ourselves and those we love. I really hope our country can rally in the coming months so we all can get back to normal.>>
The Redefining 