Author: Lisa Gurry

Tomorrow is a huge day. My daughter’s high school orientation as she begins her freshman year. She is a wonderful kid, but wow, is this is a tough time to grow up. When the most popular peer role models are most known for their plastic surgery and scandalous selfies. When social media pervades absolutely everything and shines a light on the best – and worst – of all of us. When our leaders can be divisive, racist, sexist and more.

Yet there is so much good in the world. And so much life to experience in the next four years and beyond. I want you to experience all of it.

I remember my freshman year so clearly – shiny braces, a bad perm, and the body of a fifth grade boy. I was smart, but didn’t want anyone to know. I wanted to make new friends, but had no idea how to choose them. And I desperately wanted to know who I was – and who I would become. There is so much I wish I knew then.

So I wrote this list of wishes – for my daughter – and her wonderful friends who are embarking on the same journey. She approved my sharing it with the world, so here goes:

What I Wish for You
Be defined by your character and who you are, not what you look like or what you do. Beauty is fleeting and most talents fade. Your character is forever.

Do your very best – at what matters most. Willpower and energy is finite, so invest carefully.

Work super hard – this is your life now. Create the future you want.

Believe that you deserve the absolute best. In life. In friends. In boyfriends. In future professional success. Don’t settle for anything less.

Embrace your gifts as strengths, whatever they may be. Pursue excellence in something, or many things. But commit. Persevere. Work hard.

Your reputation and your integrity is yours. Guard it carefully.

Be courageous in big and small ways. Life is full of challenges, but you are capable and strong.

Don’t apologize for having an opinion. Speak up. Never let yourself be silenced.

Be a great friend. Support your girlfriends. Build each other up. There is no need to compete with each other.

Surround yourself by people who make you feel great about yourself.

In matters of romance, make your suitors earn your affection. With attention. With commitment. With respect for who you are. The second they don’t deserve your affection, move on.

Don’t engage with haters. Defend yourself if needed. But do not waste energy on those who are not worth it. Have zero space for Mean Girls. You know who they are and so do they.

If you wonder if someone has your best interests in mind, they probably do not. Trust your gut. Create space.

You can have many friends, but know the massive value in a few GREAT friends, who you can trust unconditionally.

Know that the most successful, the most popular, the most everything in high school – likely won’t be in life. As important as these four years seem, they are one small chapter in a much more interesting book.

Everyone is not doing anything. Make your own choices. Own them. The good and the bad.

Look up – experience the world. Your world is not your phone. Have real conversations. See the beauty in the world as it is happening. Don’t worry about documenting everything. Put your energy into being.

When you make a mistake, because you will – many times – know that you are loved. And that will never, ever change. Learn from mistakes and know they are a normal, expected part of growth.

It may seem like your life is harder than some. It is. And, your life is easier than many. Comparing yourself to others is never helpful. Try not to.

It is true that one thing is more important than pure intelligence or book smarts, or talent in a variety of fields. It is resilience. The ability to get back up – no matter what – and pursue your dreams. This is the key to success.

Live a life of intention. Every day is a gift. Be grateful. And work hard for your dreams. Find Joy.

Above all, pursue happiness, for happiness is the greatest gift.

Yesterday was National Dog Day. I’m not sure who gets to declare a “day”, but I’m feeling a touch guilty that I didn’t properly celebrate my one and only, Zoe.

Zoe is an Australian Labradoodle. 2 years old. And the cutest dog in the world. It’s also quite possible she loves me more than anyone on earth. It’s also a holy miracle she ended up with our family at all.

I grew up in Southern Missouri with an amazing family. We never really had a pet. My dad is a farmer and is frequently surrounded by cows. I think they were enough animals for him. My mom was not at all interested in pet hair, additional poop, or something else to clean up after. And I don’t recall my sisters or I ever really having a strong interest.

We did have one pet when I was around 6 or 7 – I remember distinctly because it was a fish named Abraham (after the fish on the TV show Diff’rent Strokes). In what is a family legend, Abraham met his demise when in a moment of anger, I threw a small vase at my older sister. It hit the wall and due to serious bad luck, the vase broke, sharp pieces fell into the fish bowl and promptly killed Abraham.

And that was our one and only pet. No wonder none of us wanted another one.

Once I had my own kids, I still had zero desire for a pet. As luck would have it, my oldest kids DESPERATELY wanted a dog. For years – literally – we tried to placate them. First with fish (which to be honest, are super boring). Then with a fish bowl for each of them. Then, a huge leap forward – a hamster. Which are the most disgusting little rodents ever. And their cage stinks. Coco had a terrible habit of not pooping in the wood shavings like a good little hamster. Instead, she pooped on her plastic slide – and everywhere else in her cage that was impossible to clean. Eventually, she ended up being returned to Petco as a rescue hamster – but in reverse. Even the kids were tired of her.

So then the campaigning for a dog picked up with gusto. We tried everything to dissuade them. They had to create a detailed PowerPoint presentation on why they wanted a dog and what it required to take care of one. They had to build a detailed spreadsheet to create a budget on how much it would cost. They created whiteboard presentations. Sob letters. Asked Santa for a dog – multiple times. And relentlessly campaigned for years. So finally, we caved.

Zoe was carefully chosen to be hypo-allergenic (I’ve always thought I was allergic to dogs, now I don’t think I am) and so I wouldn’t have to be constantly annoyed with pet hair. Called “Yellow Girl”, she was the cutest of her litter. We were able to bring her home shortly after Christmas.

The kids reaction was PRICELESS. A moment I honestly will never forget. And Zoe was a brilliant puppy. After three terrible sleeping children, I had said the biggest deal breaker for me would be if Zoe disrupted my sleep. And she seriously never has. She wasn’t a big chewer (at least nothing huge – like furniture) – absent the one time she ate a chunk of our wall when she wanted out of her play pen. Otherwise, she was a precious puppy.

Over the years, I have fallen deeply in love with her. Of course, the one who was most resistant is now her favorite. She loves me more deeply than anyone in the world. Every single time I come home – every single time – she jumps and wiggles and can’t wait for pets and cuddles. The pure exuberance makes me happy – every single time. She follows me around the house – everywhere I go. Just to make sure I’m OK. As I write this, she is sitting at my feet. Just staring at me.

She is a jealous dog. If I’m paying too much attention to the kids, she inserts herself between me and them and sticks her face super close to mine. I can see in her eyes she is saying “PET ME! LOVE ME! MAKE ME YOUR FAVORITE!”.  I love her.

Of course, as predicted, I am the one who takes her on the most walks. I am the one who picks up the most poop. I am the one who most frequently makes sure she has been fed (with cheese on top of her food!). My son will try to sneak her food. My daughter gives her cuddles. My husband disciplines her. But I am the one she loves the most.

I wouldn’t have it any other way.

The recent events in Charlottesville were heartbreaking. For many of us, regardless of political affiliation, we didn’t recognize this United States. One with blatant hate. One with frightening anger. One that kills people during protest. My heart broke for the people of Charlottesville. And all of us watching it unfurl. My heart broke that this is a possible reflection of our country and what it means to the millions of children trying to make their way in the world. My heart broke for what it displayed to other countries around the world – who must think we have lost our collective mind.

I was so troubled by the events – and by the reaction (or lack of reaction) by Trump for so many days. As so many articulated well, silence lets hate breed. Not articulating the extreme hate, the racism, the Neo-Nazi-ism was the same as accepting the behavior.

At the same time, so many brilliant people had such knowledge to share. Did the world need another blog on the topic? Then I watched a Facebook Live video by Brene’ Brown and I found power in amplifying her message. The only positive element that comes from crisis is learning. So in the spirit of learning from Charlottesville, here are my top 3 lessons:

1) Love is Courageous and Relentless

I love Cory Booker. As a storyteller, as an orator, as an articulation of light. Of all the news stories I read, Facebook messages and Tweets that I encountered, his message stuck with me most fully. His encouragement that we not just “hope that things will change” but that we will “meet the urgent demands of our moment in history.”

… “Martin Luther King, Jr., aptly said, “It may well be that we will have to repent in this generation. Not merely for the vitriolic words and the violent actions of the bad people, but for the appalling silence and indifference of the good people.”

It is up to us to do more than just look upon the violence and hate on display in Virginia with disapproval. There is serious work to do in our nation from addressing the growing hate and hate crimes in the United States to dealing with persistent systemic injustices in our criminal justice system.

Condemnation is expected. Anger is understood. But only action, work, sacrifice and struggle will yield progress. The focus should not just be about what “they” did in Virginia, but what we will do where we are to advance our nation toward greater justice.

I believe in love.

I believe that love can indeed conquer hate.

But love is not passive. Love doesn’t just sit back and hope that things will change.

Love demands us confronting our own ignorance or complicity in injustice or our own biases and humbly working to change ourselves and our community.

Love is courageous and relentless and it is indeed what our nation needs now.

I believe in love.

I believe in us.

May we all rise to meet the urgent demands of our moment in history.”

2)  The Impact of Privilege, Perspective and Power

Brene’s Facebook Live video was about privilege, perspective and power. She wisely advised us all to learn from the story of Charlottesville, and to own the collective story of white supremacy in the United States. Because when we own the hateful words, we take away their power. More than anything I read, Brene’ articulated what many of us – certainly those of us that are white – can learn from Charlottesville.

The first concept is Privilege. As she describes, the topic of privilege makes many people recoil. Because many people work their way up from nothing. But this is not the privilege she describes.  Privilege related to race is about unearned rights. It’s about the invisible backpack of privilege that many of us carry – completely unaware. If you can walk into any store and pick up a doll that matches your  daughter perfectly – this is a privilege. If you can easily find a band-aid that matches your skin – this is privilege. If you can drive in any neighborhood without getting pulled over for no reason – you are privileged.

And privilege is not necessarily specific to race. If you are a straight person and can hold hands without question in a movie theater anywhere in the world, you are privileged. If you can wear a cross as a symbol of your religion without question, you are privileged. 

It is unearned access and authority that creates privilege. And if we don’t acknowledge our privilege, we don’t acknowledge the pain of others – or the backbone of our country – equality for all. So for those of that may have chosen to opt out of the conversation because you worry you may not contribute perfectly, this is the definition of privilege. For those that didn’t want to think about it, thought it was made into too big of a deal – you are privileged. We learn by owning it.

Next is Perspective. We all see the world through a lens – whether its age, race, ability, insight, or personal stories – we all see the world through a unique lens. Research shows the whiter, more educated, and more religious we are the more likely we are to believe how we see the world, is actually the world. For many this is unconscious – but the definition of empathy is putting down your individual lens, and picking up the lens of another perspective. We should believe other people’s stories and their experiences as they tell them to us – without question or judgement. We don’t run other’s life through our own lens – we respect the truth of their lens and we don’t dismiss their truth. 

Finally, Power – which Martin Luther King Jr. defined as the ability to affect change. Research also shows that powerlessness is the most dangerous state we can ever experience. It leads to violence, isolation, shame, and self-harm. Somehow, in this great big world of unlimited opportunity, we have come to believe that power is finite. That the pie can only be distributed so far. That of course there are “have’s” and “have-nots”. Yet, in reality, power is infinite. It does not run out. And when try to “power over” people, we leave out valuable experiences. And we become “less than” by seeking to become “more than.”

This message spoke so loudly to me that I watched the video a few times. Whatever you learned from Charlottesville, I hope you learned something. For me, it was a deeper understanding of the privilege I enjoy each and every day, the importance of perspective, and the importance of infinite power. 

3) There Is Goodness in the World

As a long-time employee in tech, I was so encouraged to see our business leaders stepping up to do the right thing – with voices and with action. From my own CEO, Satya Nadella, who shared with our company “There is no place in our society for the bias, bigotry and senseless violence we witnessed this weekend in Virginia provoked by white nationalists”. To companies like Facebook, Google, GoDaddy and many more who banned hate language and hate groups. To the CEO rebellion from Trump’s advisory councils which sent a loud signal of condemnation. It is fascinating to see the role of corporate America and how it can be a force for good.

Finally, after an incredibly long week, didn’t we all need Tina Fey and her call to sheetcake? Perfectly Tina – spot on message and ridiculously hilarious.

Like many of you, I have been reading about the Taylor Swift incident with the Denver DJ with interest. And I’m so impressed with her courage to speak up, her commitment to her fans to set an example for standing up for what’s right, and her bravery on the stand. I love that she hasn’t let her accuser or his attorney turn her into the villain. She said it so well, “I am not going to allow your client to make me feel like it is any way my fault because it isn’t,” adding, “he and you are suing me and I’m being blamed for the unfortunate events of his life that are a product of his decisions, not mine.”

As the Huffington Post says so well today, “And for women and girls ― who are by virtue of their gender more likely to be sexually assaulted, groped or sexually harassed than their male peers ― it’s a powerful thing to hear one of the most famous women in the world stand in her truth and refuse to waver.”

I’ve thought a lot about this case because the behavior is so common. And it’s so important for our girls to know they shouldn’t stand for it. And for all of our children to know it is never OK to touch anyone – in an unwanted – or uninvited way. Add in the dynamics of a work setting – as in the Swift case – and it gets even more complicated.
When I think back on my own life, I have not managed these instances well. I’m inspired to write as a lesson to my daughter – and others that will be making their way through life. I have always considered myself a strong, confident, and outspoken person – if anyone should speak up in these instances, it should have been me. But I haven’t – and I so will moving forward. I share with you three examples.

On the Run
When I was younger, I was a very good runner. So good that I often trained with boys, working hard to match their pace and mileage. Many of these boys became my friends. Others – in hindsight – were perhaps annoyed by my presence. Or experimenting with immature flirting. And all of us were just trying to grow up and find our way. On many a long run – and by long run, I mean 12 or 14 milers, I would often become the butt of jokes, teasing, sexual innuendo, and the occasional butt slap. I never spoke up. I put my head down. Didn’t want to rock the boat. I wanted to keep my training partners. And didn’t want to indicate (in my mind) weakness in any way. Teasing – I could take it. I was tough. And capable of handling it.

Smokey and the Wilderness
I had perhaps one of the most ridiculous jobs of all time in college. I was working on my master’s degree in communication at the University of Missouri. I was young – 21 – and inexperienced in the workplace given my focus on collegiate sports during my undergraduate years. So, when I saw the opportunity to work on a communications project for the Missouri Department of Conservation, I jumped on it and applied. I was so excited to get the job, which was – I kid you not – 100% focused on planning Smokey the Bear’s 100th Birthday Celebration for the State of Missouri. I worked hard on developing a plan worthy of Smokey and along the way, noticed my boss was very friendly to me. At times it made me uncomfortable, but again, I didn’t want to rock the boat or presume something inappropriate that perhaps was innocent. He was married after all and old enough to be my father. Eventually, he asked me to join him on a tour of Missouri Department of Conservation offices across the state. There really was no reason for me to join and my radar went off. But, I didn’t want to disappoint him and say no. He was my boss, after all. So I went. And sat next to him in the front of his small truck for two solid, uncomfortably awkward days, visiting offices in the middle of nowhere – for no reason. At the hotel that night after we checked in (separate rooms – I knew that much!), he came up behind me and started deeply massaging my shoulders. I tensed up and didn’t say anything – at first. Then, he invited me to his room to “hang out.” I said something about my boyfriend not liking it and quickly locked myself in my room. The next day was even more awkward and I made sure to keep an arms-length distance at all times until the job ended when I graduated. But again, I didn’t speak up. I didn’t tell anyone. I put it behind me – assumed me it was likely common in the workplace and as long as nothing “really bad” happened, I should just move on.

Lessons from Times Square
Fast forward 20 years. I would describe myself as a strong, confident woman who works daily with powerful men, unafraid to speak up and share my opinion. But. Recently I was standing in Times Square with my two oldest kids on their spring break. It was their first time in Times Square together and we were making memories. Their father had just been pulled into a street show and we were laughing and cheering. All of a sudden – a la Taylor Swift – I feel someone grab a firm hold on my butt cheek and squeeze tightly. Like Taylor, I was stunned and shocked – paralyzed for a moment. I quickly tried to assess if it was an accidental brush-up, but quickly decided, no, someone just really grabbed my ass. Which took some work as I was wearing baggy boyfriend jeans with a long sweater. I whirled around and made eye contact with my grabber. I gave him a death glare and quickly considered what to do. I didn’t speak up. I didn’t want to destroy a memory for my kids or freak them out, or see their father try to defend my honor against the grabber. So I said nothing. I kept a close eye on my immediate circle, particularly around my teenage daughter, while we waited for my husband’s role in the show to end. And then, a few minutes later, I hear a young (to me) woman – probably early 20’s – remark to her friend that the grabber had done the same thing to her. I felt SO guilty – I didn’t speak up – and the man kept going. Such a violation of personal space and security. And SO wrong.

So to the ladies – please learn from Taylor Swift. If something feels inappropriate or wrong, it likely is. Don’t give people the benefit of the doubt, doubt yourself, or what may happen if you speak up. Speak up. Look the person in the eye and say “You need to stop. Now.” And if the person doesn’t – and even if they do – feel free to speak up to an authority. Unwanted touching can happen anywhere – running on dirt roads, on a dance floor, in the school hallway, or at the workplace. And it is never OK.

And to the fella’s – or all of us, really – never initiate an unwanted touch. You are better than that. And the person you are touching is definitely better than that. Even if you are teasing or flirting or they don’t respond, it is simply NOT OK.

Cheers to Taylor Swift and her bravery. She has created an important learning moment for many, including me. And here’s to respectful treatment for all.

I’ve wanted to start a new blog for some time. But what theme? A professional blog? A working mom blog? A running blog? A fashion blog? I’m interested in all of these things. Certainly the world doesn’t need another blog on any of them though, right?

But, recently I’ve been inspired. To create, not just consume. To make, not just manage – my life, my families life, my work life. So I’ve decided there is no need to wait for the perfect theme. I intend to write from the heart. And I will probably touch on all of the things that matter to me, with the purpose of enjoying the creation. I write a lot for work, but rarely for myself. So this is my place. For me. And anyone else that finds it interesting – and hopefully occasionally informative – or occasionally uplifting.

I decided to call it The Redefining. The old-school dictionary describes “redefining” as “to set forth meaning.” Don’t we all want meaningful days? I’ve found recently many of my friends are working on the same thing – redefining themselves via a career change, redefining themselves after pouring their hearts and souls into motherhood as their children grow up, redefining what it means to be a great partner and friend, redefining self-love and prioritizing health, redefining the rules – particularly the tired and arbitrary rules for each generation.

I recently read a great book called “The One Thing” by Gary Keller. So much goodness in this book. I loved a quote included by George Bernard Shaw “Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” We create the life we seek to lead by focusing on our purpose. Keller’s advice is simple – yet profound – in the end – “Make sure every day you do what matters most. When you know what matters most, everything makes sense.”

So here’s to discovery. Creation. And Redefining.