Tonight’s blog is a little light topic regarding the meaning of life.
I am amazed at how many people in my life are all asking similar questions. Am I doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing with my life? I know I should live with purpose, but what if I don’t really know what my purpose is? And if I do, how do I pay my bills/take care of my kids/generally function as an adult and pursue my purpose at the same time? I’m all in on doing something with purpose…but…maybe later? It all sounds good….but wow, putting the notion into practice is really tricky.
In many ways, this topic was the impetus of this blog. How do we make the most of life? How do we ensure we’re living a life that we love? That makes us happy? That is….meaningful?
Yet, increasingly – doesn’t make us feel guilty or – less than – for living life as is.
Recently a book was recommended to me that I nearly skipped…but it was largely a homework assignment for work, if you can believe it. So I dutifully bought my copy (hard back, always!), picked up my highlighter and begrudgingly dove in. It’s called The Power of Meaning: Finding Fulfillment in a World Obsessed with Happiness by Emily Esfahani Smith.
Honestly, in many ways the content of the book is life changing. Or perspective changing. Or certainly thought provoking.
“What is the meaning of life? That was all – a simple question; one that tended to close in on one with years. The great revelation had never come. The great revelation perhaps never did come. Instead there were little daily miracles, illuminations, matches struck unexpectedly in the dark; here was one.”
Virginia Woolf
The book dives into the meaning of life, taking a walk back through historical and philosophical times, ultimately landing on four key pillars of living a meaningful life.
Wait for it! It’s worth it…but first, a brief history lesson, followed by a debate between happiness and meaning – and why it matters.
A Tale as Old as Time
There has been interest in meaning since the dawn of time from the earliest religions and the greatest philosophers, who have had rigorous debates – even wars – on the topic.
The Freud school believes in Hedonia, or “happiness.” It’s the notion that human beings “strive after happiness; they want to become happy and to remain so” and this “pleasure principle” decides the “purpose of life” for most people. The Socrates school of thought also considered this the path to living well. All good, right? What’s not to embrace about striving for happiness?
I will tell you. Ask Aristotle. Who led another school of thought focused on eudaimonia, which is the ancient Greek word for “human flourishing.” It often gets translated as happiness, but to Aristotle, it was not a fleeting, positive emotion. Rather, it is something you do. It requires you to cultivate the best qualities within you – morally and intellectually and living up to your potential. It is an active life, a life in which you do your job and contribute to society, a life in which you are involved in your community, a life, above all, in which you realize your potential, rather than squander your talents.
Happiness is All the Rage
The debate between Socrates and Aristotle sets up the discussion we see all over the media today – how do you live your happiest life? This is the question we largely see.
According to the book, in the late 1980’s and early 1990’s, there were several hundred studies about happiness published each year; by 2014 there were over 10,000 per year. In 2000 the number of books published on happiness was a modest 50. In 2008, that number had skyrocketed to 4,000. Since the mid-2000s, the interest in happiness, as measured by Google searches, has tripled. If you search for “happiness books” on Amazon right now (I just did), there are over 40,000 results. That’s right – 40,000.
Unfortunately, this focus on happiness isn’t working super well. Though the happiness industry continues to grow, as a society, we’re more miserable than ever. If that is not the most depressing sentence. But the facts support it. Hopelessness and misery are becoming an epidemic – in the US, the rate of people suffering from depression has risen dramatically since 1960 and between 1988 and 2008 the use of anti-depressants rose 400%. Global suicide rates have spiked 60% since World War II. In 2016, the suicide rate reached its highest point in nearly 30 years in the general population and for middle-aged adults, it has increased by over 40% since 1999. Each year, 40,000 Americans take their lives and worldwide that number is closer to one million. These are crazy stats.
Researchers are searching for why? And the reasons aren’t obvious. Wealthy nations have significantly higher suicide rates than poorer ones. Happiness and unhappiness do not predict suicide. The variable? Meaning – or lack thereof. The countries with the lowest rates of meaning, like Japan, also had some of the highest suicide rates.
The Importance of Meaning
So a relatively recent new field – positive psychology – founded by the University of Pennsylvania’s Martin Seligman, has focused on the modern day importance of meaning. Seligman found that psychologists could cure depression, helplessness and anxiety, but helping people overcome their demons is not the same thing as helping them live well. In 1998, he called upon his colleagues to investigate what makes life fulfilling and worth living.
It’s kind of a mind-blowing distinction. If I think about a perfect happy day for myself, it would involve sitting on a beach. With people I love part of the day. And part of the day by myself. I would eat and drink well and run at some point. I’ve had these days on vacation and they are amazing – blissfully happy. If I had this day for 30 days straight, I would be super bored. Honestly. I’ll own that. And I’m not alone. It’s why you climb a mountain or train for a marathon or devote yourself to a work project – the process likely isn’t happy through-out – but you take great meaning from the accomplishment. Same concept for parenting – is there a harder job in the world? I think not. Definitely not always happy. But perhaps the most meaningful thing you can do. Same goes for caring for a sick relative. Definitely not happy. But meaningful and most would never change the investment they’ve given to someone they love.
Ultimately, the search for meaning is far more fulfilling than the pursuit of personal happiness, which can be fleeting. There are sources of meaning all around us, and by tapping into them, we can lead more satisfying lives. Meaning can be different for each of us. For Gandhi, meaning from “service of all that lives.” For the philosopher Durant, it was work and family. Researchers claim “work is a major source of identity, value and purpose for people. It gives them something to do with their time, a sense of self-worth, and an opportunity to contribute to society and to support their families.”
The question is…how do we strive for a meaningful life? Which in turn should bring us joy over a lifetime. Or even if it doesn’t bring us joy, it will enable us to rest easy that we had a life well lived. With meaning. That yes, we mattered on this earth.
Today’s psychologists largely agree life has meaning when we:
1) evaluate our lives as significant and worthwhile – as part of something bigger
2) we believe our lives make sense
3) we feel our lives are driven by a sense of purpose.
Sisyphus, is another Greek legend highlighted in the book. He was the poor guy tasked with pushing a rock up a mountain only to see it roll back down. Yet, he was happy because he had a “sense of accomplishment and contentment that results from devoting yourself to a difficult but worthwhile task.” Camus, the philosopher author, wants us to see that like Sisyphus we can live to the fullest by embracing the struggle with dignity. He says “at this time there is no distance between my life and my work. I’m doing both at the same time, and with the same passion.” The lesson is simple – everyone needs a “thing” – a project or goal, to choose to dedicate their life.
But how do we get there? What is the roadmap?
The answer? The four pillars of meaning.
Four Paths to Meaning
If there is a guidebook to finding meaning in your life, the book says to bet on four paths. Everyone can find meaning by seeking four things: belonging, purpose, storytelling, and transcendence. A bit on each….
Belonging
Belonging is all about finding your tribe. Having a place in the world. A place where we feel understood, recognized, and affirmed by our friends, family, and partners. The book declares belonging is the most important driver of meaning.
Belonging is not a one-way street – to belong, you must be in a relationship with mutual care – where each person feels loved and valued by the other. When other people think you matter and treat you like you matter, you believe you matter. Belonging can come from anywhere – home, work, community, friends. Essentially, all of us need to belong in this world.
Without belonging, chronic loneliness can set in, which wait for it – compromises the immune system and leads to early death. In the great hierarchy of needs, belonging is right up there with food and shelter. And the challenges of belonging and forming bonds are growing, partly due to our increasingly mobile lives (the average American moves 11 times in their life) and the privatizing of our leisure time.
“At a time when we are more connected digitally than ever before, rates of social isolation are rising. About 20% of people consider loneliness a major source of unhappiness in their lives. And one third of Americans 45 and older say they are lonely. In our age of isolation, it’s more critical than ever to actively seek out social groups and work hard to build close relationships, especially because many forms of community are dissolving. People are spending less time together and more time in front of screens “privatizing our leisure time”.
When people have a sense of belonging they are revitalized. They are energized and engaged. They are resilient. And even the most mundane can seem valuable – and fun. The book encourages each of us to seek out these connections – at every stage of life. And to embrace compassion, which “lies at the center of belonging – when we open our hearts to others and approach them with love and kindness, we ennoble both those around us and ourselves – and the ripples of our compassionate acts persist, even long after we’re gone.”
Ultimately, meaning does not come to us on an island. Or sitting by ourselves on a beach. “Meaning is not something that we create within ourselves and for ourselves. Rather meaning largely lies in others. If we want to find meaning in our own lives, we have to begin by reaching out.”
This one resonates with me – in many ways, the primary reason I have stayed at Microsoft for nearly 20 years is because of a sense of belonging. My tribe. The people have changed over the years as my jobs have changed, but I’ve always been fortunate to have a tribe – and in many cases, these tribes are now my lifelong friends. I also belong to my family and friends, including sub-groups like my book club or running buddies.
But it’s a good question to ask – am I doing what I can to invest in creating relationships worthy of belonging?
Purpose
Ah! There it is. Of course, we must have a purpose!
Sadly, many of us don’t know what it is. The book describes, “Four in 10 Americans have not discovered a satisfying life purpose. Nearly a quarter of Americans – about 100M people – do not have a strong sense of what makes their lives meaningful. We must bridge the chasm between living a meaningful life with our modern life.”
Purpose is a goal toward which we are always working. It is the forward pointing arrow that motivates our behavior and serves as the organizing principle of our lives. Purpose also often involves a contribution to the world – whether it’s helping a community, inventing something awesome, raising a child, or contributing in any way – big or small that matters to you.
People who have a purpose believe their lives are more meaningful and more satisfying. They are more resilient and motivated, and they have the drive to muddle through the good and the bad of life in order to accomplish their goals. People who fail to find purpose in their daily activities tend to drift through life aimlessly. This is one of my biggest fears – years drift by without purpose, without intention, without meaning.
Finding you purpose requires self-reflection and self-knowledge. I’m working on it! But it’s not necessarily obvious.
The research suggests it is critical to know who you are – your core beliefs, your values and life goals, and how groups and communities shape you. What kind of person am I and what kind of person do I want to be? Knowing oneself is one of the most important predictors of the meaning of life. And identity isn’t static. At every life stage, it must be re-visited because we must grow and change, and at different life stages, different purposes make more sense.
Related to work, when we use our strengths at work, we find more meaning in our jobs and ultimately perform better. And when we pursue goals that align with our core values and interests, we feel more satisfied and competent. We’re more likely to persevere through challenges to actually accomplish our goals – we are more purposeful.
It’s probably no surprise the research shows living with purpose- – effectively – means using our strengths, talents and capabilities for the benefits of others. My crush Adam Grant did extensive research here and says those who consistently rank their jobs as meaningful see their jobs as a way to help others, including clergy, English teachers, surgeons, elementary and secondary school administrators, chiropractors, and psychiatrists. Yet he advises, “People working in any sector can find purpose at work by adopting a service mindset. No matter what occupies our days, when we reframe our tasks as opportunities to help others, our lives and our work feel more significant. Each of us has a circle of people – our families, our community, our work – whole lives we can improve. That’s a legacy everyone can leave behind.”
Randomly I saw a post from Grant yesterday on LinkedIn. It was about this topic. I love that he said the best way to find your purpose is to keep learning. This I can do.
Storytelling
Well, yay, yay, yay! I had no idea this little blog could lead to a meaningful life, but turns out – yes!
Essentially, this third path encourages us each to develop the storyteller within. We should embrace the idea that we are all storytellers and we define our lives (both past, present and future) by the stories we create and reinforce. Anthropologist Mary Catherine Bateson describes this as, “Each of us has worked by improvisation, discovering the shape of our creation along the way.”
The process of crafting stories helps us connect the events of our life in new ways, gaining insight into our experiences and learning lessons that had previously eluded us. By taking the disparate pieces of our lives and placing them together into a narrative, we create a unified whole that allows us to understand our lives as coherent. Yes! Coherency. Stories help us make sense of the world and our place in it and they are particularly important in defining our identity – understanding who we are and how we got that way.
We all do this whether we realize it or not. The stories are not literally written out like a book, although they could be. And many say that process is super rewarding. But many of our stories live in our minds, our memories, and how we choose to make sense of our life. Our strengths and weaknesses, our gifts and challenges, and how we feel about our place in the world.
The good news is our approach to storytelling is ours. Your life story is not an exhaustive history of what happened. Instead, it is comprised of narrative choices, which often focus on the most extraordinary events of our lives, because these are the experiences we need to make sense of and these are the experiences that shape us.
Stories are most helpful in delivering meaning if they are redemptive – we find a way to transition experiences from bad to good. People who believe their lives are meaningful tend to tell stories defined by growth, communion and agency. They reinforce a positive identity, assert control over their lives, reinforce they are loved and are progressing through life, and whatever obstacles they have encountered have been redeemed by good outcomes.
I love the concept that we are all the authors of our own stories and can choose to change the way we’re telling them. We can re-frame narratives to adopt positive identities – and live more purposefully.
One of my new favorite quotes – ever – is from author Madeleine L’Engle, who says, “The only certainty is that we are here, in this moment, in this now. It’s up to us: to live fully, experiencing each moment, aware, alert and attentive. We are here, each one of us, to write our own story – and what fascinating stories we make!”
Transcendence
The last path is the big kahuna. A real doozy. I could explain the first three paths very succinctly to my manager, but really stumbled on this last one. Ultimately, transcendence is about going beyond or climbing to a higher level. As the book describes, “A transcendent or mystical experience is one in which we feel that we have risen above the everyday world to experience a higher reality.” It is the pursuit of awe.
Transcendence can take many forms – typically it brings a sense of awe when we perceive something so amazing and vast that we cannot comprehend it. Religion, mindfulness meditation, Buddhism, and being one with nature are examples given as paths toward transcendence. Even astronauts have been known to reach transcendence – called the “Overview Effect” – while in flight, shifting from self-focused values like achievement, enjoyment and self-direction to self-transcendent ones like unity with nature, belief in God and world peace.
We should not expect this particular path toward meaning to be frequent – they are often described as passive (i.e. they descend like a mystical force vs. being self-created), they are transient (rarely lasting more than a few hours, often much shorter); are ineffable (difficult to capture the subjective in words and do it justice) and they are noetic (impart knowledge and wisdom).
During transcendent states, our sense of self washes away along with all of its petty concerns and desires. We feel deeply connected to other people and everything else that exists in the world. The result is that our anxieties about existence and death evaporate, and life finally makes sense. Which leaves us with a sense of peace and well-being. Don’t we all, at the end of our days, want this? A sense of peace. A sense of peace. And yes, a sense of meaning.
In full transparency, I haven’t figured out my own path. But I did find this a fascinating framework to consider.
And I also embrace the belief that I still have many, many years to figure it all out. I was discussing this blog with a friend today and shared with her that I believe for most of us, we will tackle these paths in chapters. In the hard-core parenting years, it’s tough to make time for certain purpose-led activities. We may desire a career path filled with purpose but find it doesn’t pay the bills or help us prepare for the future we seek. But we plan to do so someday. Or, we may still be figuring it all out.
I really believe it’s all good. Ultimately, we keep learning. We keep seeking. And from that, will come a meaningful life.
I am surrounded by clutter. For real. I am so ready for my new house to be set up – perfectly – that I have been buying half the Internet to ensure we are all set up as soon as possible. Unfortunately half the Internet was arranged to show up aligned with the August 20th move date. And as mentioned, that move date did not happen. So, half the Internet has had to be squeezed into our small rental house. I will paint you a little picture, because an actual picture would disturb you. From my line of sight at our dining room table, which is conveniently right next to the living room, I see 1) a new couch for our new living room which had to be delivered and is shoved up against the fireplace 2) displaced chairs in front of the window to make room for the couch 3) my son’s new nightstand which just arrived and has nowhere to go 4) a large mirror for the powder room shoved behind the dining room table 5) several boxes of kitchen hardware and bathroom accessories that need to be delivered to the other house. Disturbing, right? In our master bedroom (which is not large), there is a large box holding the chandelier for our new master bedroom, a new large TV, and a 9X12 rug somehow crammed in a large box all lining the perimeter of the room. My writing nook (a small area I had carved out – literally behind the furnace in the basement) is now full of wallpaper books, tile samples, and boxes of recently delivered cushions for new outdoor furniture. I am not kidding. We are surrounded by stuff. It is so crazy you have to laugh. I will be forever grateful to Restoration Hardware for holding a very large delivery for an extra two months. Bless you, Restoration Hardware.
The Redefining 