Category: Uncategorized

About a month ago I had a moment of reflection and wondered, “Am I doing enough with my life during this crazy time? What will I remember when I look back on 2020?”

I have mentioned before that I believe each year of our lives (even those in quarantine) are meaningful and we each have an opportunity to write the narrative that will dictate how we remember each chapter of our life. I want this chapter, unexpected as it is, to be one of optimism, special family memories and growth.

Believe me, a lot of days don’t really reflect any of those goals. But I do believe in intentionality – particularly in challenging times, we have to make an effort to create the life we want to live.

So I did my self-reflection. Considered a few things to adjust. One of those things is writing more – hi!! Another ongoing goal is pushing myself to learn new things.

So I signed up for golf lessons.

Now, this may not be what you had in mind for a blog with an existential intro. But here we are. Quarantine times may not lead to a Pulitzer, but surely I can learn a new skill.

So golf it is.

I have wanted to learn how to play for years. My husband is a big golfer. I have lots of friends who golf. We are fortunate to have two homes on golf courses. Golf is a good, social game that I should be able to play for years.

I didn’t learn when I was younger because I was a very one-dimensional and focused runner from childhood through college. I wasn’t that interested in accumulating other skills – what a shame. And I probably would have been worried about straining my back or some other nonsense injury-prevention.

After I first moved to Seattle and was in the throes of the honeymoon stage, I did take a series of group lessons at the local university. This was over 20 years ago. I can’t remember anything.

Then we had kids. One, two, three. And golf was not how I wanted to spend my precious little free time. And with my husband really enjoying golf, someone had to watch the kids.

But now we are in quarantine time. I’m home. There is a club house with instructors a half mile away. I have time.

So I went to my first lesson with instructor Grace. She was lovely and calm and very good at instructing (socially distanced while wearing a mask). She also was really complementary about my first lesson. Seriously. She said I was her best student ever! Couldn’t believe I hadn’t played before! Promised she wasn’t just saying that.

To give you insight into my optimistic and competitive brain, I actually thought, “I probably have missed the LPGA, but maybe I could be a competitive club player.” I am not kidding. Keep in mind, I hadn’t been off the driving range or the putting green. But I was wondering if I had missed my calling as a golf prodigy.

Then I went to practice by myself one day. Hmmm. I was shanking balls to the far right. Hitting others like a grounder in a baseball game. I did not look like a prodigy.

I went for a second lesson with Grace. She helped correct some of my form mistakes. She was still patient and kind. And I am humbled by this intricate new sport.

I am enjoying this new challenge. I no longer think I am on the cusp of winning club championships. But I am on the path to being able to play a round of golf for fun. That is good enough for me at this stage.

Quarantine goals don’t have to be significant. But they can still add joy to your life.

Today is a great day for writing! I am sitting on my deck, trusty Zoe staring at me as usual. It is a bit overcast with a lovely breeze. Jack Johnson is playing and I am proud of myself for embracing relaxation.

I am thinking about last week-end. My youngest and I went to our mountain house for a day of girl time before my husband and a few good friends joined us (post COVID tests after flying in from LA).

So my youngest and I were cruising along on the 80 minute drive, enjoying the views. Like me, she loves a good road trip. We turn up the tunes, I sing (poorly and loudly) along. The scenery is gorgeous as we travel outside of cities and into mountains with evergreen trees and beautiful views.

About 20 miles from our destination, I saw a sign for Lake Kachess. I had never been – even though so close to Seattle and Suncadia. We had no real timeline and nothing but time on this particular day. So I detoured and we went to visit Lake Kachess. Which was spectacularly beautiful.

A few more miles down the road we detoured again to see Lake Easton and something called Crystal Falls (which looked to be more of a river than waterfalls, but still pretty).

Such beautiful views that I had never seen – even though I had driven by within a few miles many, many times. I am inspired to go back and visit when we are prepared and there are fewer people (i.e. the beaches were more crowded than I would have liked).

But I am so grateful that I took those detours. Perhaps added an hour to our travel time. In our normal hectic life, I’m certain I would not have prioritized an hour of aimless driving. But what a reward!

I am reminded of an article I read awhile ago. It was an interview with my girl crush Michelle Obama. She was describing her career path – which was not linear. Instead, she advised to “embrace the swerve.” Have the courage to pursue the unexpected path that speaks to you. The path may not make sense to others, but the swerves in life add experiences that help us grow and often deliver unexpected joy. Regardless, these experiences add to the richness of life.

Embracing the swerve is something I can get behind. Whether on an unplanned road trip. Or in bigger decisions in life. The swerve can be interesting, empowering, and unexpectedly beautiful.

Yesterday was a good day. I got to the end of the day with a sense of genuine contentment.

What is this feeling??

During the pandemic, so many days are full of juggling, moments of joy – yes, but a cloud of anxiety and concern. Is everyone I love healthy? Are we collectively happy? Or at least, happy enough, given the circumstances? The last few weeks have been more stressful for me than most – juggling a lot professionally and personally. And, on a desperate hunt for childcare for my youngest.

But yesterday – I nailed it. I love that feeling. I haven’t had enough of those moments in the last six months of quarantine.

One challenge with working from home is that my mind doesn’t get the chance to check in/check out. I have realized going to an office is so healthy for me. When I’m at home, I focus on being a mom and a wife. When I go to the office, I am very focused on work. There has always been some overlap – scheduling appointments at work and leaving early for various kid commitments; and catching up on work email at home. But, I could largely focus on the key priority at hand.

Now, my attention is constantly split between work calls and endless meetings. And the ever-growing pile of email. At the same time, I am only a hall way from my sweet children – and their needs. In some ways, it creates a really special dynamic. I can watch my son’s basketball practice on the sport court out my window during a work call. I can wake my oldest daughter up in the morning and have our best chats of the day while I lay in her bed during a break in meetings. I can check in on my youngest and smile as I listen to her giggle through-out the day.

But for focus? Phew. Tough.

So anyway. Yesterday! I made great progress on my nanny hunt. I did a final interview with a candidate, spoke to references, ran a background check, updated a contract and sent her an offer. Put forth my best selling skills – choose our family! We are awesome! I pray to anything holy that she accepts.

And I did some good work professionally. The kind of work that makes me proud. As I’ve gotten more mature, I don’t even need anyone to tell me “good job.” Or “thank you.” Although, of course, it is nice to hear at times. I have built enough confidence and expertise to know when I have delivered good work. And I did yesterday.

So, as my big kids were enjoying the end of summer with their close group of friends, my youngest was deep asleep, and my husband and I finished yet another episode of “Queen of the South”, I felt that awesome sense of contentment.

We had made the most of a really bizarre summer. It was unexpectedly hard in ways. Unexpectedly joyful and special in others. I am proud of how I have shown up for my family. I hope I have modeled resilience, positivity, and the willingness to take risks even when the world is uncertain.

I love the feeling of nailing it. For one day at least:)

Sometimes in life you get stuck in a rut. That may be a southern saying. I grew up in a small town with dirt roads full of ruts. You know, bumpy holes in the road. As a lifelong runner, I spent many, many hours running on dirt roads – often with teammates, often solo – so I’m familiar with dirt road terrain.

But anyway. “Stuck in a rut” actually means “having a wheel stuck in a groove in the road.” I just searched it. It is an actual thing. A feeling of being stuck – sounds about right for what is increasingly feeling like an endless quarantine.

The last few weeks have been a bit rough – some personal stuff I’m not at liberty to share, a general weariness over this irritating quarantine, a sadness for our world as more racial injustice occurs and a presidential election I am already exhausted from. Toss in stress over the (virtual) school season upon us, a desperate search for a new nanny (so hard during quarantine), and some professional juggling and – phew.

To break out of a rut, sometimes you have to be intentional. So this week was back to basics after a blah Monday and Tuesday. For me, this means a few things.

1. Exercise. It really is my key to sanity. So Wednesday I went for a good run. Yesterday I did my favorite Core Power Yoga class with Melvin, my quarantine virtual crush. Both good for the soul. Today will be another run.
2. Attack problems. One of my professional strengths is that I am solution-oriented. So, attack I did. I think (really, really hope) I have found a new nanny for our family. After short-term solutions have dried up (our last childcare solution was a teacher aide who is now going back to virtual school), I made an offer to a new nanny late this week. Without childcare for my youngest, the rest of our world gets really out of balance. So this is a big one. In the meantime, I did find a short-term solution with a family friend who is graciously helping us out. And I created a learning pod for my oldest daughter and a few friends to help make their senior year of high school sort of fun and brainstormed some ideas for my son and his friends. Kids in check, mostly.
3. Keep moving. Moping is really counterproductive. Checking things off the to-do list often makes me happy so I focused on feeling good about accomplishing a few things. My son and I both had yearly physical doctor appointments. Made a long overdue car appointment which I will check off the list today. Caught up on my email inbox. Not really sexy items, but less clutter in my brain.
4. Find joy. This week joy looked like watching a TV show marathon with my oldest daughter. Listening (in a non-creepy way) while my son and a few friends had an epic pickle ball match in our backyard topped off with a pizza fest on our deck. It felt kind of like a normal summer. Yesterday, amidst driving my son to his cross country practice (they run in very small pods) I chose to sit at a pretty park instead of driving back and forth. Soaking up a beautiful morning.
5. Distraction. I got sucked into a really good book. Talked with some good friends. Nearing the end of our next Netflix series (Queen of the South – highly recommend if you like cartel series. Great storytelling, although a bit intense). Largely, more focused fun – less phone scrolling. And I hate to admit – less news. Sometimes, you just have to ignore the parts of the world that are driving you crazy.

These are all things I can control. Nothing fancy, but I think I am out of my rut now. Ready for the week-end. We have a fun week-end on the horizon and I am here for it!

This week – or at least a portion of it – was the 2020 of weeks. I saw that description on a friend’s social media feed and it so resonated.

For the rest of our lives, “2020” will probably be synonymous with disappointment, missed moments, frustration and sadness. Hopefully we will balance with a few other feelings like perspective, patience, gratitude and perseverance. Hopefully.

But this week was a real doozy. So late this week, I was ready to call uncle. Ready to retreat to my sanctuary for some relaxation and recharging. This, is my bathtub.

She has largely been ignored this summer. I’m more of a dead-of-winter/rainy night bather. Then, I find it very peaceful to light some candles, turn on Norah Jones, and disappear into a good book while floating in my tub.

But in the summer, it’s hot. I would rather recharge outside in the sun as the sun baby I have always been.

But this week. Bath time was in order. So I disappeared from my family. Turned on the bath. Got my favorite things ready for bath time.

And then, hmmm….why is the bath tub taking so long to fill up? So annoying. And then. Whoa! Where is all of this water coming from? All over the floor. In large puddles.

And then I see…the fancy part of the tub faucet filler (which has never been used – the hand shower part – why do they even make these??) is facing the wrong direction. Not into the tub, as a faucet should. But pointing the exact other direction – pouring water on the floor. This is clearly the wrong way.

Our cleaning ladies had set it backwards the last time they were here and I neglected to notice. Oops.

I soaked six large bath towels soaking up water at about the same time I hear my husband shout my name. The water wasn’t just on the floor – it was flowing into my daughter’s closet directly below our master bathroom. Oops.

But I was committed. This girl was recharging. So after the clean-up, I took my bath. Unfortunately it just wasn’t the same. Oh well.

So onto the rest of the night. And I could not have written this next part if I were writing a sitcom comedy for work. Within the next ten minutes, I found a messy pile requiring cleanup on one of my favorite rugs. Grr. I had literally just cleaned it up and was putting away cleaning supplies when I hear my dog gag. I started to hustle to pull her off the only carpet on our main floor (in my daughter’s room) and she barfed a huge pile of dog food – right on the carpet.

REALLY UNIVERSE?

At this point, I just had to laugh. Literally cracked up. After a simply horrible day, I managed to flood our bathroom, clean up one rug and then a pile of dog barf – within 30 minutes.

In such moments, there is nothing to do but know tomorrow has to be better. Time to do something super safe like collapse on the couch with all the Netflix. And a big glass of wine.

Because even during a day that overflows with challenges, you can usually find a reason to smile. Even if it is the absolute absurdness of the day.

Today is National Relaxation Day. This is a real, actual thing.

I have no idea who created it, but like most “day’s”, I started seeing images and posts on social media celebrating it.

It caught my eye because I had been thinking about writing a blog about – relaxing.

I have realized a huge adjustment for me during this quarantine has been embracing relaxation. I have found that I have a very active brain, which can be hard to settle. I also have a real drive for productivity and often feel like I should be “doing” something productive. These aren’t necessarily good things. Finally, I think the real challenge has been I am simply out of practice.

You see, I have been a mom for nearly 18 years. So counting pregnancy, the last 19 years of my life have focused on my precious children first. Combined with a demanding and fulfilling career, there hasn’t been a whole lot of time for relaxing. For the first many years of my kid’s lives (now there are three), I carried such working mom guilt. I felt tremendous pressure to make every moment count with them when I was home. We had tea parties, endless hours of Lego’s and Playmobil games, dress-up galore, hide-and-seek marathons, outside fun, healthy meals, cute clothes, learning opportunities and so much more. By the time they were asleep, I was exhausted and knew one of them would be up by 5:30 or 6am (early birds! All three! back then anyway…).

Then, as they got older, playing make-believe was replaced with carpooling and cheering. My older two kids did the typical grade school/middle school sports year-round. My son fell in love with basketball and has been part of an intense select team for the last four years – with year-round practice and week-end long tournaments. My oldest daugther played select volleyball and other activities requiring driving, driving, driving. And there was the tutoring. And other classes. And my youngest has typically been along for the ride. Between work and being a Type-A mom, there was definitely very little time for relaxing.

When the world is normal, I am really proud of myself if I prioritize 4-5 hours of exercise each week. If I read a book that I enjoy. If I make time to write. All told, I typically have about 30-60 minutes each day to just “relax.” And usually this is at the very end of the day when I am exhausted. So “relaxing” ends up looking like scrolling through my phone or trying to focus on a book while my eyelids droop. Even last night, “relaxing” looked like listening to a favorite podcast while I folded a mountain of laundry. Does that count??

But since quarantine, I have found myself – for the first time in literal decades – with….time. Our week-ends are quiet. There aren’t any practices, games or big social gatherings. There is no commute. Or evening practices or activities during the week. My kids – now almost 18, 16 and 13 – don’t really want to hang out with mom all that much. Although we have had some really special time together.

With my extra time, I have realized I need to re-learn how to relax. To simply just be. To set aside To-Do lists and expectations. To not feel pressured to go, go, go to the next thing.

Perhaps this will be my greatest gift of COVID-19. A reminder to slow down. The peacefulness of reading a good book on my porch swing – in the middle of the day! – for as long as I feel like it. For luxuriating in a long bubble bath. For long, slow talks with family and girlfriends from afar or on our deck. For zoning out to favorite TV shows.

There is something beautiful about….relaxing. We all deserve a pause in the day. Time to chill without accomplishment. Now that I’ve found my way back, I hope to never lose it again.

I haven’t written in a bit, again, since my birthday reflection.

The real reason is that I am so fed up with COVID-19. And not just the virus itself. But with the completely inept response that has landed the US at the top of the undesired leader board for deaths and total cases.

It is so tragic to me that we have already lost so many lives. It is heartbreaking to me that our medical professionals and frontline workers must continue to solider on in this war to save lives. Risking their own lives to take care of some who were simply unlucky and some who were completely irresponsible. I am so sad that I still can’t see my family safely – just a short plane ride away. I am angry that my kids will spend their fall remote learning from home when they should be learning in school – with the social interaction, extra-curricular activities and better education that in-person learning will present. And I am so baffled that our country is not ENRAGED by this complete and utter mess we have found ourselves in.

I know many are sick of talking about COVID-19. Believe me, I am so, so sick of it. But the great irony is that until we educate ourselves – and actually collectively take steps to stop, or at least curtail this virus – we will continue to see deaths and illnesses skyrocket. Our lives – at least in some states – will continue to be curtailed. We will endlessly quarantine – some of us more successfully than others. And even when there is a vaccine (it can’t come soon enough), shouldn’t we all be learning lessons that we will carry forward?

We are collectively responsible for the spread and we will collectively feel the pain of its impact. I can’t fathom why this country does not have collective empathy or concern for the collective good. Are we really that collectively selfish? By all data-based accounts, we collectively are.

A few facts to consider.

As of today, the US has over 5M confirmed cases of COVID-19. This is one in 65 Americans. This is over ¼ of total cases in the entire world. That’s right. The ENTIRE WORLD (with 19.6M total confirmed cases). Our country has lost 164, 245 lives to COVID-19 – that have been officially reported. The number is likely far, far greater. I did not round that number for friendlier reading because each and every one of those lives matter.

If that doesn’t resonate with you, how about if you consider that our current COVID-19 death rate (as of today) is greater than all lives lost in World War I and exponentially more than the Vietnam War and the Revolutionary War. COVID-19 has already killed more people – in the last few months – than the Vietnam War, Korean War, and H1N1 flu pandemic – combined. The CDC reports there will be an additional 50K deaths by August 22. 50 Thousand Deaths. Why are we all not outraged??

And this is so not like the flu. In April, COVID-19 became the deadliest disease in the United States, killing more people per day than cancer or heart disease. If you look at the months between February and May, COVID-19 killed more people than influenza, diabetes, or Alzheimer’s – combined.

And even when “cured”, many are facing what may be lifelong challenges such as significant organ damage. My dear college roommate Michele Munz, recently wrote this heartbreaking and eye-opening account in the St. Louis Post Dispatch.

How on earth can smart people make fun or ridicule basic hygiene practices like wearing masks and social distancing, endorsed by every expert health organization as proven methods to curb the disease? Would we make fun of veterans who died in wars? Would we ridicule those dying of heart disease or cancer? This virus has taken more lives than all of the most modern wars and illnesses. We should be collectively at war to stop it. Where is the basic goodness that should define us all as people?

I am terrified by the explosive growth of the virus in places where people I love reside. As I write this, I got my daily alert update from the Seattle Times that 670 new COVID-19 cases were diagnosed yesterday. In Washington. Currently 1688 people have died in my state.

In Seattle we have sadly been at the forefront of this disease as the first city in the US to have a case diagnosed. We know now that the virus was likely widespread in the US before it was diagnosed. This is simply tragic.

But what is so baffling to me is that people aren’t paying more attention to the spread. California has the most confirmed cases currently (545, 787) with Florida hot on its heels (532, 806). New York, also hit early, has the most deaths at 32, 768. It blows my mind that there isn’t more fear in the southern states where the virus is spreading like wildfire. Some of the people I love most in the world are right in the heat of the battle in states like Texas, Arkansas and Missouri – if you look at per capita infection rates. In many states, there is either a complete lack of awareness or concern for the potential for COVID-19 to impact people or their loved ones. The state-based approach is failing us all miserably.

There are lots of good scientific trackers on the Web. This data comes from the NYT tracker pulling from CDC data. Before you travel – anywhere – it is wise to be aware of the risks. There is a reason most of the free world is not welcoming American travelers right now. We are collectively dangerous.

If you take a scientific or data-based view to health, this isn’t rocket science. We are actually one of the very few industrialized nations to have such an epicly failed response to COVID-19. This isn’t hopeless. Or “what will be will be.” Or heaven forbid, survival of the fittest or our generation’s greatest gamble. The answers are simple. We can learn from other countries. Consider COVID-19 deaths in the last seven days:

• Australia: 70
• Canada: 37
• France: 51
• Germany: 49
• Italy: 55
• Japan: 27
• Spain: 57
• Sweden: 27
• UK: 414
• US: 7,189

Even in the US, New York has proven it is possible to contain the virus. Kids in New York will be going back to school this fall. In the initially hardest hit state.

For the rest of us, I hope we can set aside partisan lines and do the right, human thing for each other. Social distance. WEAR YOUR MASKS! Wash your hands. Do not touch your face. The CDC is giving us sound advice that has worked incredibly well in other countries.

I really can’t understand how this turned into a freedom issue (actually I do know…but won’t opine on that here), but in the same way we have laws for basic safety like wearing seatbelts and helmets, it is a basic safety guideline to take care of ourselves and each other as best we can. This is not a discussion of individualism. Collectively, we will over-run our hospitals. Collectively, we will create shortages of PPE and other critical supplies. Collectively, we will over-burden an already fledgling testing system. Individually, we will certainly fail these systems and each others.

Eventually, I hope we can all find our way back to sort of normal. With the people we love, healthy and safe, to enjoy the future with. And I hope we don’t lose hundreds of thousands of more lives – not to a war. Or a disease that could not be prevented. But due to selfishness and our lack of ability to protect ourselves and each other.

Happy birthday to me! I’m officially 46 and I honestly can’t believe it.

Typically I love birthdays. I believe they should be celebrated wholeheartedly. I’ve always gone over-the-top for my kid’s birthdays and will never turn down a good birthday celebration. As I’ve gotten older, I have more appreciation for grown-up birthdays. Everyone should celebrate their birthday with as much glee as their younger self. Each year, truly, is a gift.

But this one, #46, has kind of rocked my world. Even when I turned 30, and then 40, I felt “young.” I’ve always looked young (thank you genetics and small stature) and I am certainly young at heart. But 46. Hmmm. Awfully close to 50. And that definitely has to count as middle-age.

The notion of middle-age is one I don’t love. Historically this has meant the downhill slope of life. I’m not ready for the downhill. I’m not ready to coast. I don’t want to cut my hair into a sensible haircut, wear one-piece swimsuits, or unironic mom jeans. I’m not ready!

And then I read about the 70 year-old woman who runs a 3:00 marathon. I look at Jennifer Aniston. Or my friend Shannon. I see friends making bold career choices. Or getting back in the game as their kids are moving out of the home.

And I know I have my own bold goals. And big dreams. And I am reminded that age ain’t nothing but a number. Rather than dread 46, I’m ready to embrace it. With boldness. With strength. With joy. With gratitude.

I want this to be year that shakes up the other years. If we learn nothing from a pandemic, this year should stand out in a notable way. And not just because a pandemic is awful. But because we have the opportunity to break the mold, to carefully consider what matters, to be reminded that years aren’t guaranteed, and we only get this one, beautiful life.

So what to do with 46? I want to push myself outside my comfort zone. I read something this morning that said “comfort is the opposite of growth.” It’s a cool notion. Whether pursuing a professional challenge, learning to play golf, mastering a few new dishes to serve at dinner parties (someday!), or finding socially distant adventures, I want to prioritize growth. There really is so much more to learn in the world.

And I want to embrace those I love the most. Making memories. Cherishing time. This is my daughter’s last year at home before heading off to college. I want it to be magical for us both. Somehow. My son will get his driver’s license this year and with this milestone comes all new independence. I want to go along for the ride – at least sometimes. And my youngest continues to warm my heart with her sweet giggles and own sense of adventure. So adventures we will find.

So far 46 is fantastic. I woke up early to texts from friends. Drank a few cups of coffee in the quiet house while reading a great book. Took Zoe on a leisurely stroll on trails this beautiful morning. Ran four miles. Now I sit in my bikini and await my families’ arrival. The sun is out. The pool is ready for us.

And I’m ready to make the very most of this very first day of 46.

Well hello, old friend. It’s nice to see you again.

It has been so long ago that I have written that I honestly couldn’t remember what my last post was about. Funny, it’s a good reminder as I look back.

The last few months have been so incredibly wild and unexpected. Our country is still in the height of battling the COVID-19 pandemic, despite most other industrialized countries largely containing the virus. It is so sad, so frustrating, and still so very scary.

We are largely still in quarantine – nearly 5 months at this point. We have taken some liberties to give our teenagers a bit more freedom, but what would have been so unheard of just six months ago is now the norm.

I still have no idea when I will see my family in Missouri and Texas again. This breaks my heart the most. Unfortunately, our area (Seattle) got hit early and has maintained a steady state of trouble, and now the virus is now spiking in the areas of those I love. It is terrifying to be so far away and depressing to not know when and how this will end.

My immediate family has spent a lot of together time. My husband and I both have still been working from home. I went into the ghost town of my office – dusty and desolate – to bring a computer monitor home, but otherwise, I haven’t stepped foot in my office. Instead, my days are full of video calls, emails, and juggling a full house with a busy work schedule.

My kids never went back to school this spring. What we initially had hoped would be a few weeks off, turned into a month, and then finally the acknowledgement that there would be no in-person schooling or activities. So they too, have spent their days on screens and video learning.

For several months, our social circle was very limited. First to just the five of us. Then a responsible nanny to help with my youngest. Then to my daughter’s boyfriend and son’s girlfriend. Now, to a few more friends but with careful planning, like spending time outside, careful disinfecting, and more. We are balancing our fear of the virus with the sanity of mental health and trying to live a somewhat normal life. It is hard.

The world seems like such a different place. In our area, masks or facial coverings are required to go into any business. We all look like old-school bank robbers and I miss seeing people’s smiles. “Social distancing” is a thing – where we are supposed to stay six feet apart to limit the virus spread. Indoors is far worse for transmitting the disease – so we haven’t been inside a restaurant, we largely buy our groceries and supplies online, and actually disinfect those same groceries and supplies when they arrive at our home. There is no hugging or physical contact, which is so tough to do when you finally see a friend you haven’t seen in months. Friends and families struggle because of isolation, depression or total disagreement on how to handle a pandemic.

Our family is more conservative than many. But not as much as some. It is really hard to know the right thing to do, particularly with teenagers that you desperately want to help shepherd through these unprecedented times.

Yet, I am reminded to be grateful. We are healthy. We are hoping to stay healthy until they find a vaccine. Those closest to us have also stayed healthy. We are fortunate to have jobs and paychecks. We have been able to enjoy the spring and summer by getting outside.

For me, as an extreme extrovert, I have coped by trying to still do things I love. I go for a run or do a yoga work-out most days. I have read a literal mountain of books. I try to make time quality fun time – not just endless time – with my family. I have really enjoyed hanging with my kids (who have been home so much more) and trying to make them laugh. I have thrown myself into different work projects, which have kept my mind active and connected to people – even if by video. And, I have a few girlfriends that are like beacons of delight when I see them. After a few months, my girlfriend and I started our morning runs again and what a gift they are. Recently I have met up with a few girlfriends to reconnect or go for a hike and I am reminded how much I love my friends.

I’m reflecting tonight because it’s my last night to be 45. I’m at our mountain cabin, enjoying a peaceful night to myself before my family comes up tomorrow. I’ve gone for walks, read a good book, took a hot tub and watched some trash TV. But I wanted to pause and reflect for a minute about this crazy chapter of life – one that I hope passes soon for everyone I love.

In some ways, I wanted to get this summary update post cleared out. As the months go by, you really have to keep fighting to be positive. And I have missed this writing outlet. So as I look ahead to #46 (holy cow!), I’m a little sad that #45 didn’t turn out as I had hoped. Since February, it has been this side of crazy.

But I’m grateful to have my family and my friends. I’m grateful we bought this mountain house and made it a second home I love in October – who knew we would enjoy it so much during a pandemic?? I’m grateful for my career, which has seen some unexpected boosts over the last six months with some exciting developments on the horizon. That risk I wrote about last? It just might be paying off.

As I look forward to #46, I want to remember to choose joy. Choose learning and growth. Choose making the most of each year – even if they are during a pandemic. I really do want to look back on this pandemic as a meaningful moment in my life. I’m not quite there yet. But I’m going to keep trying.

Today I was having a meeting with someone at work, describing how I was approaching a specific project. It’s an important one and I really value this person’s feedback.

After I described the current status, he shared something like, “I see you are taking a very thoughtful approach here, considering your stakeholder’s mindset. I’ve seen you do this frequently.”

Honestly, I was getting ready to say something like, “thank you!” Thoughtful is good, right?

And then he said, “You should do less of this. Sometimes you need to think less and be more selfish.”

Wow. Mind blowing feedback. And really valuable.

In this case, his feedback was along the lines of, “Why aren’t you going for it now? What are you waiting for? You are smart and capable. You should be more confident and go for it. Quit waiting for the perfect moment or anticipating the thoughtful approach for the other person. Sometimes you just need to do what is best for you.”

Over-thinking. An over-riding concern for others. A desire to be likable. An unselfish approach to balancing work and home. Ahhhh….if I could sum up the biggest blockers to my career growth the list would include these at the top.

Now these aren’t necessarily bad things. But if not careful, women in particular, can let these good human traits really slow down professional growth.

It’s not necessarily because we are inherently good people. In many ways this is how we were conditioned from our earliest days – to be good girls, to not rock the boat, to be considerate of others.

I’ve written about the challenges of <not> getting Student of the Month as a child because I was too talkative. As a high school student, I remember actively downplaying my intelligence because as a star athlete, it would be unpopular to be good at too many things. Seriously. And then, when you think you should have outgrown social conditioning, after two decades at my company a respected leader told me I should show more vulnerability to be more….. likable. Vulnerability is a big movement amongst the leadership set – I could handle the advice to be more empathetic, supportive, or relatable – but likable? When did work become a popularity contest?

Another beloved mentor gave me advice I preferred. It’s not your job to be nice, it’s your job to be great.

This is advice I can stand behind. By nature, I am a friendly, nice, and outgoing person. I’ve also been called a bulldog (with an unaffectionate tone, I’m afraid). This dichotomy (be great – not nice; be more selfish – but a good leader and generous teammate; be more vulnerable – but not a push-over) makes it challenging to know how to show up.

Do men even have to think about this stuff? I don’t think nearly as much as women.

Probably because I am a good girl, A+ striver, and over-thinker, I really internalize feedback. Sometimes this is helpful, sometimes it is not.

In this case, I took the push and did the selfish thing. I am going for it.

But not without some thought. And writing this blog:)

I was reminded of one of my favorite passages from Glennon Doyle’s recent book, Untamed. Mind-blowing stuff. If you, too, are a good girl who has passion and goals – this should be required reading.

The passage talks about a woman who passes on a life goal, because she is too busy supporting her kids and her husband. She didn’t want to seem….wait for it…selfish. Glennon asks,

“Why do women find it honorable to dismiss themselves? Why do we decide that denying our longing is the responsible thing to do? Why do we believe that what will thrill and fulfull us will hurt our people? Why do we mistrust ourselves so completely?”

She talks about the conditioning of girls and how “When we are little girls, our families, teachers, and peers insist that our loud voices, bold opinions, and strong feelings are “too much” and unladylike, so we learn to not trust our personalities.” Reading my own words above and the well-intended, but conflicting advice from beloved mentors – no wonder we question ourselves.

Ultimately, “We do not honor our own bodies, curiosity, hunger, judgment, experience, or ambition. Instead, we lock away our true selves. Women who are best at this disappearing act earn the highest praise: She is so selfless.”

And the money question….”Can you imagine? The epitome of womanhood is to lose one’s self completely.”

She goes on to encourage us to quit fearing and start trusting ourselves. And to not be afraid to disappoint everyone before we disappoint ourselves.

It’s a scary concept, but what if we don’t have to be selfless? What if it’s ok to be selfish – or even self first – on occasion? What if the world didn’t end? Our families and friends recognized our gifts, not our martyrdom. Our workplaces knew exactly what we want and what we deserve. Why? Because we speak up. And we embrace our full self.

Sign me up.