Celebrating Differences

Back to school is an exciting time for most kids. New kids, new teachers, and another year of possibilities. For kids with special needs, amidst the excitement, can come challenges. Well-meaning parents, teachers and kids may not know the best way to interact with them – particularly if they have limited verbal capabilities. If they have limited mobility, it can be hard for them to participate.

My daughter, Taylor, is one of these kids. She was born with a condition called agenesis of the corpus callosum, which means she doesn’t have a corpus callosum – the part of the brain that connects the right and left hemispheres. Her central brain highways do not have a bridge to connect them – and this makes essentially everything harder in life.

But she goes to an amazing school. With the most incredible, heroic teachers and administrators. And so many kids in our community that embrace her that she often seems to be a mini-celebrity in our neighborhood. She will start fourth grade this year.

But. There are always moments of awkwardness. And well-meaning parents and kids who don’t know how to interact with a child who is different. This is increasingly important – not just to be good people in the universe – but also because developmental disabilities are on the rise. Recent estimates in the United States show that about one in six children aged 3 through 17 years have one or more developmental disabilities. And the majority of disabilities are invisible to the eye, but so very real. So kids like Taylor are everywhere, with families and friends who love them very much.

This morning at a cross-country meet I had an experience that is very common. A young child looked at Taylor for a very long time. When this happens, I usually look them in the eye, smile, and say, “Hi! This is Taylor! She is a kid just like you.” Then the child typically says, “Hi” back and often has a few questions. Usually it is a great conversation. Occasionally the exchange goes poorly – and it did this morning.* The child said, “She looks silly” – I’ve heard variations of this many times, interchange “silly” for “weird”, “funny”, or “scary”. As a parent, it’s heartbreaking. And Taylor has very good receptive language, so I worry it hurts her feelings.

The child didn’t know better, of course. She was curious. But she is at a prime learning age. So my plea to parents is simple –  talk about differences with your kids – whether they be disabilities, race, size, religion or any of the many ways we can all be different. Teach your kids that ALL kids are special. And differences make us great. A specific plea – please don’t frame it as “aren’t you lucky” or “poor kid, how hard their life must be” – this framing reinforces a stereotype that people with differences are “less than”. And no one on earth – anywhere – deserves to be framed as “less than.”

I love to imagine a world where differences are celebrated, not pitied. Where people of all abilities are seen as heroes, with much joy to offer the world.

So many of our friends have done this so well – and you see it in their kids. They look Taylor in the eye. They go out of their way to engage with her. And they exude kindness.

I wrote this note, on behalf of Taylor, to share with classmates at her school. Regardless of age, I think there are meaningful lessons in here for all. Please feel free to share.

A Note for Taylor’s Classmates
Taylor’s brain was made different than yours. This means most things are much harder for her. But, she is a normal kid with normal likes and dislikes. And she works super, super hard. Here are a few tips for getting to know Taylor, or other kids like her.

Taylor has an older brother and sister. They love her very much. She also has two parents who love to make her laugh and a dog named Zoe. You may see her with her very special friend, Annalise, at school.

Speak to Taylor as you would any other kid. She loves people. Even an enthusiastic “Hi Taylor!” makes her day and helps her feel part of this world.

When you look at Taylor, a smile is really nice. Staring is not so nice. You may see her differences, but just like you wouldn’t want someone to stare at you for a long time without saying anything, neither does she.

Find similarities to connect with. Taylor loves music. Her current favorites are Katy Perry and Justin Bieber. She is so over Taylor Swift. She loves sports, particularly swimming and watching basketball and baseball. She also loves books, playing on iPads**, and watching music videos.

Taylor communicates differently – she loves to high five and is very expressive. It’s a great game to try to make her laugh. Or shout with joy. You can definitely tell when she is happy and also when she is so not impressed.

Taylor works harder than most kids. Often before school she has already done an hour or two of exercise. A lot of stuff is harder for her so she has to work really, really hard. We think this is really cool and impressive.

Have patience. I know this is hard. Taylor moves a bit slower because she is working so hard. Know that she SO wishes she could move at your pace. And she is trying her very best.

Never, ever call names. They are not nice. Names like stupid, idiot and retarded are super mean. Be a good friend to Taylor – and all kids. Name calling stinks and really hurts people’s feelings.

Don’t ignore her. Even if smart grown-ups tell you not to stare. No one wants to be ignored. Say hi. Ask what she likes to do. Give her a high five.

When you see her, I hope you see the most beautiful expressive blue eyes, the way her smile can light up a room, and how impressive it is that she is moving on her own (because, can you imagine how hard it would be to move without part of your brain?). I hope you don’t care about the shoe braces she wears to help her walk. They are just something she wears, not who she is. I hope your parents help you understand that.

Most importantly, know that every single person on this planet is a gift. Including you. Including Taylor.

*Friends at the meet, don’t worry, I didn’t know the child or her family:) It’s not you!

**Taylor’s school standardized on iPads and the consistency is key for her. Everyone else should totally buy a Surface!