This blog could have been about many things. I’ve thought about the awesomeness of sunshine and how it lifts my spirits (yay for sunny Seattle days in the winter!). I’ve thought about motivation and drive, largely due to the books I’m currently reading. I’ve thought about gratitude and embracing each day, as life seems to be surfacing stories of unexpected deaths, illnesses, and sadness affecting people I love. I’ve thought about love for family, reflected in some incredible family photos I received from a recent photo shoot with my extended family. Some of these blogs may get written.
But what’s most on my mind is potential. And expectations. And what unconditional love means. It started on Friday. I flipped through mail that had piled up while I was on a work trip this week and organized financial statements. I saw an envelope for each of our three children, for their college education accounts. I opened the first envelope – “Wow, more than I thought. That is great.” I opened the second envelope – “Good stuff. Our investments must be doing well.” Then I opened the third envelope – balance zero. Oh. yes. That’s right.
For years we’ve known our youngest, who has special needs and disabilities, will not be going to college. We’ve known we should move her college savings to the other two kids. They will (hopefully) need it and she will not. In fact, it’s to her advantage (because the government has crazy rules) to have zero assets. So my husband had finally done it – moved the money saved for her and distributed across the other two. That’s why their accounts were unexpectedly large. And hers is now….zero.
It was a sobering, and sad, moment for me. Even though I’ve known college was not her path for almost her entire life. At times, you are still hit with sadness of what you so wish could be. Zero balance feels final. And it should. Because it is.
But here’s what I know to be true. You cannot let yourself grieve for what you wish would be, or you miss the opportunity to love what is. There is much to celebrate in each life and true love finds the gifts in each one.
And really, the most important job as a parent, is to help each child find lifelong joy. Usually relationships are the fundamental core of joy. And of course, things that make you happy. I’ve found these things can be found in traditional ways – girlfriends that make you belly laugh, basketball games where you perform your best, and knowing that you are loved – no matter what.
For kids with special needs, it’s really the same. You look for what makes them happy, and surround them with it. Each smile, giggle, eye sparkle and cuddle is a gift. The real test, is if you can get over your (not their) expectations and hopes and dreams, and love them – where they are – unconditionally – and wholeheartedly. For me, of course, the answer is yes, yes, yes!
That’s not to say I didn’t have year/s of moments to grieve. And some things are quite hard. Of course, we all wish our kids had the simplest of paths. But inevitably, they all hit a bump. Some bumps are bigger than others. And some are born with bigger bumps than others. So.not.fair. But it doesn’t help to dwell on that either. All you can do is love. And help them through the bumps. And you will know you have done your best job when they know they are loved – no matter what.
I’ve been reading Carol Dweck’s excellent book “Mindset”. I’ve heard a lot about the growth mindset concepts from our kid’s school and also work, as the book was influential on our CEO. But this is the first time I’ve read the full book. It really is life changing for how you look at the world. Everything from relationships to parenting to professional and more. For parenting, there is so much goodness. Ultimately, she encourages us as parents to help our children construct “growth-minded ideals” – giving them something to strive for. When we do so, we also give our children “growing room, room to grow into full human beings who will make their contribution to society in a way that excites them.” We do best by our children when we give them room to foster their interests, growth and learning. Wanting what’s best for our kids is less about “judging” and “what I want for you on my terms” and more about fostering “their growth”. Chasing their dreams (not ours). Helping them think and learn. And embracing the hard work ethic that will make them successful in life.
And in the end, we all want the most simple of things for our children – joy. One of the gifts of being a parent of a child with special needs is that perhaps you learn that earlier than others. Of course, I want the most for each of my kids. But I recognize “the most” could take many forms. And may not be my idea. But if they are joyful, good humans, surrounded by love – success will be theirs, on whatever terms they choose.
The Redefining 
Love this one , Lisa.. so well said..
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