Justice to the Essence

I had an idea for another blog but instead, a topic is on my mind following a conversation with a good friend at work today. He was sharing some concerns about his child with me – is there a greater testament of friendship than sharing the most stressful of possible concerns and having this level of trust? I was honored he shared with me and I couldn’t stop thinking about his family.

So tonight’s blog is dedicated to all those parents who are struggling. It could be a physical health concern. It could be a mental health concern. It could be a social anxiety concern. The thing with concerns is there are so many of them. Sometimes, multiple concerns all at once.

I am no expert. For real.

But I have had some experience with parenting curveballs and I’m always happy to share what I’ve learned. Some have said its helpful. So in the spirit of sharing, when struggles come your way, here are my favorite coping techniques:

1. Head in Sand – I’ve written about this one before. It couldn’t be more elementary. The gist of it? Try super hard not to worry until you know you have something to worry about. Easier said than done, I know. Believe me. But there is something gloriously effective about trying to compartmentalize these worries. Shut that s#@t down. Really try hard not to think about it. You may be waiting for medical test results. Or a long-awaited appointment with a particular specialist (because let me tell you, there are not enough specialists in this world). Or a glimpse that your child will turn out awesome when all is said and done. Here’s the thing. Often we can’t know. Waiting is often required. In these moments, my mantra has been worry wastes time. In the words of my Grandma Fern (and I believe Scarlett O’Hara from Gone with the Wind), “I will worry about it another day.“
2. The Seeker – Sometimes you actually need knowledge. I do believe knowledge is power and once you have a direction to seek – seeking is worthwhile. Read. Learn. Ask questions. Locate experts and make them talk to you. Find people that have walked a similar path. Ultimately you want to know you are doing what you can and the best way to know, is to really know what you’re dealing with and how best to help. And you can take faith that you’re doing everything you can. I say this carefully – I’ve learned you should probably not do everything you can. Here’s why. Particularly if you have multiple kids. If you do everything you can for one kid, you will likely tank the others. Or your marriage. Or the essence of you. Don’t do that. Any of that. Instead, do what you can. In balance with the rest of your life. Seeking knowledge is a great place to start.
3. The Realist – In times of trouble, I’ve found you really take stock of those who surround you. Some people get it. Some people try to get it. And some people really don’t. For me, I’ve found over the years that I prefer real, authentic friends. Those who share their good days and bad days. Who can talk candidly and appreciate when you are candid in return. It’s a crazy, air-brushed world we live in and when you hit a speed bump, its easy to get consumed with the perceived perfection of the world around you. You see it on Instagram and on Facebook. Not just the perfect lives of celebrities anymore, but the perfect lives of real people in your life. But I believe no one has the perfect life. Some may portray it, but it isn’t real. If this drives you crazy, and it probably will while you struggle with what you’re struggling with, sanitize. Censor. Avoid social media or real media that makes you sad. Find friends that are authentically real with you. And then go have some drinks.
4. The Balancer – This one took me awhile to embrace. It’s the old adage of “you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else.” You know, if the plane is going down, put the oxygen mask on yourself first. Eye roll. But it’s true. Whatever brings you balance, positive energy, and clarity – do it. It could be working out, reading a book, seeing friends, or sitting by yourself in an empty field. If so, rock that field. No one can dictate what brings you back to you. But you have to stay true to yourself. You really do. You, your family, your life will thank you for it. Because often when you hit a bump it can be the beginning of a long haul and the most important thing to surviving a long haul is endurance. Make sure you can endure. And not just survive, but thrive. 
5. The Zen – This one is relatively recent. I’m not much of a Zen kind of person. I’m more of a roll up your sleeves and fix it kind of gal. Until you realize in life there are certain things in life you just cannot fix. For these moments, you find your Zen. I wasn’t really seeking my Zen. But I stumbled upon it as I often do – through a book. Over the last year I followed my professional series of reading with a parenting series of reading. I found it increasingly ironic that I read an entire library about how to be pregnant (turns out – the nine months pretty much just rolls along) and how to raise an infant (and still had three terrible sleepers). But I hadn’t read a whole lot since the toddler years. I no longer needed to know What to Expect When I’m Expecting, but instead, What the Hell Do I Do With a Teenager?  I didn’t find that book, but I did find The Awakened Family: How to Raise Empowered, Resilient, and Conscious Children by Shefali Tsabary (Ph.D, of course). I found this book on the bestseller table at the local bookstore and it seemed like a safe bet. Even Oprah said Tsabary’s ideas “are really a paradigm shift that can change the world.” Sold. The book is really powerful and full of great advice. Here is what I ultimately took away – the most important job of a parent is to ensure their kid knows just three things: am I seen? am I worthy? do I matter? She encourages us to separate our wishes, our desires, and our expectations from parenting and instead, let our kids become who they are supposed to be. Unencumbered from pressure and the constant societal quest for perfection. Of course, we all want our children to reach their potential and find joy, but it should be joy on their terms – not ours. As she describes,

“Only when we can separate our fantasies concerning who our children should be from who they actually are can we do justice to their original essence and craft our parenting to allow for this essence to flourish.”

So great parenting isn’t having a perfect kid, with the perfect activities and social graces. Great parenting is loving the kid you have – all of them – perfections and imperfections. Seeking to do justice for who they are. 

And knowing that whatever you’re doing, it’s all going to be OK.

I’m no expert. But these are a few of my tricks.

Author: Lisa Gurry

Defined as a Writer. Creator. Mom of 3. Runner. Fashion lover. Traveler. View all posts by Lisa Gurry